I Was There The First Time
by SD17
Summary: I'm sorry but this is discontinued for now. I may come back to it one day. Please see profile for more of an explanation if needed. Thanks :
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I do not own supernatural, but I really, really wish I did.

This will be a series of one shots about important moments in Sam's life going from baby to now. It's told by the one person that was always there… Dean of course.

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**I was there…the first time…**

An hour after you were born, I held you. Of course to a four year old it felt like I'd been waiting forever. Dad brought me into the hospital room and I couldn't see you at first, you were wrapped up tight in mum's arms. Dad helped me up onto the bed. Mum looked so tired but happy, dad too.

Mum held you up so I could see you. Your face was all screwed up and pink.

"This is your little brother Dean. His name is Sam."

I was so happy, I wanted a brother, some one to play with.

"Sammy," I called you.

Did you know I was the first one to call you that.

"I wanna hold him." I demanded.

Mum and Dad shared a look, I guess it was of concern. You were only an hour old and I was only four.

"He **my** brother." I said.

They agreed that I could hold you. As long as I let them help and I was really careful.

"You have to look after him Dean and be really, really careful." Mum had said. "You're a big brother now."

I nodded.

Mum pulled me so my back was up against her on the bed and dad sat at my side. They put you in my arms. Mum helped me to support your head.

You looked at me wide eyed and then eventually closed them and went to sleep. In that moment I never thought I could love anything as much as I loved you, and 26 years later that's still true.

I held you for ages. The four of us sitting on the bed. Eventually mum told me I needed to go home with dad and go to sleep, it was late. She went to move you out of my arms. You started to cry, loudly. Mum rocked you, dad rocked you. It didn't help. You just screamed. Dad said this was the first time you had cried, that you hadn't even cried when you were born, you came out wide eyed and silent, like you were in shock from your change in surroundings.

"I hold him again." I asked.

They gave you back to me, nestled up against mum again. And you stopped. Cut off mid cry, and just stared at me.

"See I'm already a good big brother, **I** make him happy." I told mum and dad.

They smiled. They were so happy. We all were.

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So what do you think. Should I keep going. I have lots more moments ready to go. **Please **review.


	2. Chapter 2

**I was there…the first time…**

The first time you smiled I was there.

I know cos I was the one you were smiling at.

You were only a couple of months old.

I was sitting in one of the big arm chairs we use to have, cradling you in my lap.

Mum was taking photos of us together.

"Smile for the camera Dean." Mum said.

"I looked down at you "Smile for the camera Sammy." I told you.

I smiled to show you how.

At first you just looked at me.

Mum began clicking away with the camera.

Then you lips curved slightly upwards into a tiny little smile.

"Mummy look! Sammy smiled for me." I told her.

"Really Dean that's wonderful." She had said.

She rushed over to stand beside the arm of the chair to get a better look at you.

"Smile Sammy." I told you and showed you how to do it again.

You looked at me and a minute later another smile broke across your face.

"Did Sammy smile at me cos I'm a good big brother?" I asked Mum.

"Of course Dean. You're the best big brother in the whole world. Sammy thinks so already." Mum told me.

That made me happy.

Even then you were my whole world, and being a good big brother to you was my job.

I don't know if I've been a good big brother lately Sammy, but I'm trying. I'd do anything to make you smile at me like you used to…

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So what do you think. Still good. **Please **review.


	3. Chapter 3

**I Was There…The First Time…**

About a week after your first smile.

You laughed.

You were sitting in a chair with dad.

You were tuned to face me, your back up against dad, his arms supporting you.

I was being silly, dancing and wiggling around to music from some TV show I was watching.

I don't remember what the show was or anything.

But I do remember the sound.

The little giggles that broke from your lips stoped me mid wiggle.

I looked at dad.

"Sammy laughed!" I said excitedly.

"I heard him." Dad said laughing too.

"He laughed at me." I said.

"He did, keep going, he thinks your funny." Dad told me.

So I did, I danced and wiggled and pulled faces.

You laughed.

Dad laughed.

I laughed.

We were happy.

I miss those days…

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So what do you think. Still good. **Please **review.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: __**I know all of these have been baby moments so far. But I have lots of moments when Sam is getting older too. I just thought these baby moments were special and important.**_

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_**I Was There…The First Time…**_

_When you were about three months old you reached out and grabbed my finger in your hand. _

_I was so excited. _

_Usually it was me reaching out to you. _

_You were lying on a blanket on the floor, under one of those baby mobile things. _

_I was lying down next to you. _

_You were hitting at the different things hanging down. _

_Kicking you legs. _

_Waving your arms. _

_One of the hanging things was a star. _

"_Look Sammy it's a star, like Twinkle Twinkle." I told you . _

_I poked it with my finger. _

_You reached up and wrapped your whole tiny fist around my finger and squeezed so tight. _

_I never thought you'd let go._

_I looked at you._

_You stared right back at me._

_You didn't let go._

_You smiled._

_You laughed._

_You kicked._

_But you didn't let go._

_And I didn't want you to._

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_**Please **__review._


	5. Chapter 5

**I Was There…The First Time…**

November 2nd 1983.

That was the first time I pulled you from a fire.

I woke with a start.

I'm still not sure what woke me up.

As I stared into the darkness of my bedroom I heard you crying.

It didn't sound like any cry I'd ever heard you make.

You sounded terrified.

This high pitch wale.

I ran from my room.

Heart beating a hundred miles a minute.

Down the hall to your nursery.

Before I even got to the door I could feel the heat radiating out.

Dad came out with you cradled in his arms.

"Daddy?" I asked.

All I could think was, our house is on fire.

Were you okay?

He put you into my arms.

"Take your brother outside as fast as you can, don't look back, now Dean go!" Dad told me his voice panicked, fear in his eyes.

I tuned and hurried down the stairs and out the front door as fast as I could.

I was scared.

I didn't know what was happening.

Or where mum was.

All I knew was that I had to keep you safe.

Had to get you out of there.

Had to protect you.

That was my job.

So I had to be brave.

Brave for dad.

Brave for mum.

And most of all brave for you.

"It's okay Sammy." I told you, as I stood in the front yard.

Watching the flames behind your nursery windows.

Waiting…

Waiting for mum and dad to come out too.

But only dad came.

He scooped both of us up and ran.

"I gotcha." Dad said as the windows of the house exploded with fire.

And I knew then, that mum wasn't coming out too.

As the three of us sat huddled on the Impala.

Watching the fire men control the blaze.

I knew…

I knew that I would always have to be brave and strong.

For her.

For dad.

But most importantly for you.

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**Please** review. I feel so good when I see them in my inbox.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Another baby moment. There's just so many…Although Sam's about 10 months old now.

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

Everyday I would talk to you.

All day long as I was playing or whatever I was doing.

I would talk.

When we were apart.

(Which wasn't very often.)

I would tell you all about what you'd missed.

You would babble back.

Gooing and Garing.

Just baby talk.

But you would look at me so serious.

Like you knew what I was saying.

I remember this one day, you weren't one yet.

I was five.

And Mum was gone.

I didn't talk much after mum was taken.

Mainly just to you…

And dad.

Anyway dad was lying down in the bedroom.

I was sitting on the carpet playing with my Duplo.

(Had to have Duplo cos Lego was too small to have around you.)

You were crawling around on the floor.

Playing with your toys.

Trying to mess up what I was building.

You always were a pain Sammy.

I was building this really big robot, it took me ages.

Making sure every piece was in the right spot.

Suddenly out of nowhere you grabbed it.

And you wouldn't let go.

I yelled at you to stop, that you were wrecking it.

You just laughed.

I tried to pull it away gently.

But still you wouldn't let go.

I didn't want to break it.

And I didn't want to hurt you.

I tried to pull it away again a bit harder.

And it broke.

The Duplo went everywhere.

I was so mad.

I'd been sitting there for like two hours.

And in two seconds you'd destroyed it.

I wanted to cry.

But I tried really hard not too.

"Bad Sammy." I said.

Kicking the Duplo as I stomped away from you.

You started to crawl after me like you normally did.

Usually I slowed so you could keep up with me.

But I was mad, so I didn't this time.

You started to cry.

It hurt to hear, but I was still mad.

I kept walking.

"De!"

You said.

You said!

I stopped.

Not sure if I was hearing things.

"De!" you said again hiccupping through your tears.

I turned you were sitting with your arms stretched out to me.

"De!"

I ran back to you.

Knelt down and wrapped my arms around you.

"You talked Sammy, you talked."

Dad came out from the bedroom.

"What's going on, what happened to Sam?" He asked.

"Sammy talked dad, he called me De."

"Really?" Dad said coming over and kneeling down on the floor too.

"Do it again Sammy, show dad." I told you.

You were still crying softly as you held on to me.

You looked at us with watery eyes.

You had that puppy dog look down even back then.

"It's okay Sammy, I'm not mad any more." I said pulling you tighter to me.

I felt guilty for getting mad, you were only a baby.

We waited for a long time but you didn't say anything.

"Let's pack up some of this mess boys." Dad said after a while.

I broke apart from you and stood.

"De." You said quietly this time.

Reaching out to me again.

Dad heard you this time.

"Sammy you talked." He said scooping you up and holding you close to his chest.

He had tears in his eyes.

I knew he was thinking about mum.

And all the things she was missing.

I wish you had a chance to know her Sam.

She loved you so much.

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**Please** review.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** I probably should have said this at the beginning. I've been writing these as if Dean's been writing letters to Sam or something like that for Sam to read one day, not that he's actually saying this to Sam right now. That's why it's just Dean talking. Because we all know that Dean doesn't like chick flick moments, and only takes part in them under extreme stress.

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

May 2nd 1984.

Your first birthday.

I don't really remember why, but we spent it up in the mountains.

Dad had to meet with some guy or something.

About some stuff.

Which now I assume was something to do with hunting.

We stayed in this small cabin.

It was really pretty outside.

Well I thought so any way.

Everything was green.

The trees, the grass.

Green.

Birthdays were hard for dad, all special occasions were.

Reminded him of all that mum was missing, all that they should have been able to share together.

But he tried.

He got you presents.

A new ball, blocks, toy cars, a new teddy bear.

He got you a cake.

We put a candle on it and sat around the small table to sing happy birthday to you.

You were so excited.

You clapped your hands and laughed.

And tried to sing along with us.

Then we all ate some cake.

You had it all over your face.

And your hands.

And the table.

You were having a great time.

You got cake.

And toys.

And lots of attention.

It was easy to keep you a happy back then.

To keep the smile on your face.

The laughter in your eyes.

I wish it were that simple now…

I drew you a picture.

Dad helped me write _Happy Birthday, Love Your Big Brother Dean._

I drew our family, you, me, dad and mum.

I didn't want you to forget what she looked like.

I didn't want you to forget her.

My artistic abilities didn't do her justice.

You know I found that picture tucked away in Dad's journal.

With my crooked two inch writing at the top.

He kept it for you, for me, for him.

After you finished your cake, you fell asleep in your high chair.

Dad wiped your face and hands and put you into bed.

I crawled in beside you.

Cake makes you sleepy.

I wrapped my arms around you.

It was easier to sleep when you were close.

You were so small back then.

So easy to keep safe.

To protect.

I wish it was that simple now…

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**Please** review.


	8. Chapter 8

First I'd like to say thankyou to everyone that has been reviewing this story it means so much to me. I'm really enjoying writing it.

A/N:

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

A couple of weeks after your first birthday, you walked.

Walked!

Not holding onto furniture.

Not holding onto me or dad.

All on your own.

I was sitting on our crappy motel bed watching you.

Dad was sitting at the table writing in his journal.

You pulled your self up using one of the empty chairs.

And began to move along still holding onto the chair.

I got down off the bed.

And knelt on the floor.

You stopped and looked at me.

"Come on Sammy, come to De." I told you.

You continued to look at me as if you were considering it.

Then you just let go of the chair and took a step towards me.

Then another.

I was shocked, you were actually walking.

Dad was watching you, a smile on his face.

"Come on Sammy, keep going." I said.

You took one more step and then fell flat on your face.

You started to cry hysterically.

I rushed to pick you up off the ground.

"Yay, Sammy you can walk." I said bouncing you up and down on my lap so you'd laugh.

Dad came and sat on the floor with us.

"He did a good job didn't he dad." I said.

"He did a great job," Dad said brushing the tears from your face. "Probably should have had a camera or something to capture that, so we'd remember it properly." Dad said looking a bit guilty.

"Don't worry dad, we don't need a camera, I'll never forget." I told him.

He was so proud of you.

And so was I.

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Hope you liked it. **Please** review. I just love them and they really keep me motivated to keep going.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN:** Thanks so much to all the readers that have been reviewing my story. Your wonderful people. Also thankyou to everyone that has been reading, alerted of favourited this story as well.

**AN2: **Sam's about 14 months old now.

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

The first time you got really sick, it terrified me.

Not just a sniffle or a cough.

You were sick.

Running a fever for two days.

Crying all night and day practically.

Dad said it was because you were teething.

But these weren't the first teeth you'd got.

And you hadn't been sick like this before.

So it didn't reassure me.

We took you to a doctor.

He said you had an ear infection as well.

He told dad to give you baby paracetamol, but it didn't really help.

So we were all trapped in a small motel room.

With you screaming at the top of your lungs.

Dad tried rocking you, carrying you around, patting you to sleep.

I tried holding you, talking to you, bringing you your toys.

Nothing helped.

We'd barely slept in two days.

And I was so scared.

I guess, really it wasn't anything to worry about.

Just like dad said.

But I'd never seen you like that.

**I** couldn't even calm you down.

Make you happy.

Look after you.

I couldn't do my job.

Finally though, I had an idea.

Dad was sitting on the bed propped up on the head rest holding you.

He looked exhausted like he could fall asleep at any second.

That is if he could sleep through all your screaming.

I got up next to him and sat real close.

I asked if I could hold you, told him I had an idea.

Dad put you into my arms and then wrapped his arms around the both of us.

I started to hum the tune to Hush Little Baby.

That's what mum always sang to us.

When she'd tuck us in.

When we were sick.

I couldn't remember all the words, just the tune, so I hummed.

Eventually you stopped crying, and rested your head on my shoulder.

You fell asleep.

And when I looked Dad had fallen asleep too.

We stayed like that for the rest of the night, the three of us propped up on the bed together.

The next day your fever broke.

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Thanks for reading. **Please** review. Are you all still enjoying it.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN:** Sam's almost 2.

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

The first time you had to go to the hospital, it was all my fault.

Our motel room had these three high wide steps that dropped down from the bedroom area to the kitchen.

We tried to keep you away from them.

But of course that's where you wanted to go.

Down the stairs.

And then back up the stairs.

I held your hands a few times while you climbed them.

To make you happy.

After a while you pushed me away "Me do." You told me.

Then you dropped down on your hands and knees and climbed down the steps backwards and then back up again.

I stood at the bottom ready to catch you if you fell.

Dad watching closely.

The next morning dad was packing the car ready to leave.

I was meant to be watching you.

But I kept getting distracted by this cartoon I liked.

One second you were sitting right next to me on the floor.

The next second you were balancing face forward at the very edge of the top step.

My heart leapt into my throat.

I called you name.

You had one foot off the step ready to move.

You turned your head at the sound of your name.

You moved your body around to step back towards me.

As you tried to put your foot back onto the step you slipped.

I ran as fast as I could.

But you fell.

It all happened so fast.

But to me it seemed like slow motion.

You hit every step.

And landed in a heap at the bottom.

You didn't make a sound.

I actually felt my heart stop.

I was frozen.

I thought you were dead.

Then all of a sudden you let out this high pitch scream.

I was at your side in an instant.

I wanted to scoop you up.

Your arm was twisted funny underneath you.

So I just touched your forehead.

"It's okay Sammy." I tried to sooth you.

But you just kept screaming.

Eyes wide with fear.

You were in so much pain and the was nothing I could do.

Dad raced back in.

"What's…" But the words died on his lips.

He could see what was wrong.

I didn't do my job and you were hurt.

We took you in the hospital.

You had a dislocated shoulder.

They gave you drugs to knock you out so they could put it back in.

Me and dad waited in the waiting room until they told us we could see you.

Dad didn't yell like I thought he would.

Just told me I needed to keep a better eye on you.

That he needed me to be able to watch you, because he wasn't always there to do it.

I wanted him to yell.

I knew it was my fault.

I'd always known that it was my job to protect you and keep you safe.

I knew that even before mum died.

I didn't need dad to tell me.

It was just always my responsibility.

You were my responsibility.

And I let you get hurt.

I just had to do a better job of it.

_I had to._

You looked so small in the big white hospital bed.

You were still knocked out.

The doctor came to talk to dad.

They stood just outside the door.

I pushed a chair up to the bed.

And knelt on it to see you up close.

You looked okay.

Like you were sleeping.

All I could think was that if I had done my job, you wouldn't be here in the hospital.

You wouldn't have been hurt.

"I'm sorry Sammy. I'll do a better job, I'll look after you better, I promise." I whispered to you.

Your eyes fluttered open.

And you smiled.

"I promise." I said again.

I guess over the years I haven't always done the best job of keeping you safe and looking after you.

Especially lately.

But all I can say Sammy is, I'm sorry, I'll do a better job, I'll look after you better, I promise.

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**Please** review.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: **So I know some of you like little Sammy and some of you are waiting for chapters when Sam is older. To those of you who are waitning for older Sammy, please bare with me, those chapters will come. I've got so many ideas for every age so hopefully everyone will find the ones that interest them.

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

The first time you ran away from me you were two and a half years old.

We were getting ready to leave.

Dad was checking us out of the dingy motel.

I was trying to get you dressed.

But you were being stubborn.

"I do it!" You would yell every time I tried to help.

Finally you got you pants on (backwards).

Your shirt on (inside out).

And two odd socks on.

I was getting impatient by this point.

Sure you had to learn, but we didn't have all day and it took you three times as long to do things yourself.

Then we couldn't find your shoes.

Some how they'd been left outside by the front door.

We brought them inside, I wanted to help you put them on.

"No! I do it." You screamed and I could tell you were about five seconds away from chucking a major tantrum.

But dad was gonna be back in a minute and he wanted us both to be ready for him.

I forced you to sit.

"No, I do it!" I yelled at you.

And I tried to grab your foot.

Your bottom lip jutted out.

Your puppy dog eyes blaring full force.

"Me wanna." You said softly.

When you realised that it wasn't going to work, you tried to wiggle away from me. Yelling "No! Deeeeeean!"

Kicking your legs to make it even more difficult.

Finally I got a hold of your foot and tried to get your shoe on it.

Not easy when you still wouldn't sit still.

Then out of no where you kicked me, **hard **in the eye with your other foot.

It hurt like a bitch.

And my vision went all fuzzy.

You were up and running quicker then I could get to my feet.

Out the open front door.

I didn't shut it after we'd found your shoes.

Big mistake.

That was one of dad's biggest rules to stay inside with the doors locked when he wasn't around.

And now you were outside.

I got to the door just in time to see you run into the car park, in front of a moving car.

The driver saw you.

I don't know how though.

I heard their brakes screech.

And the sound of my own heart beating a hundred miles a minute in my ears.

You stood there in the middle of the car park, with this shocked expression on your face, like you couldn't work out what had happened.

Then you burst into tears.

I ran to get you.

Adults swarmed every where.

Dad came out of the office.

He was so mad.

You just cried and clung to me.

"Sorry De, sorry." You sobbed over and over.

"Never ran away from me again." I told you, "You scared me."

You nodded "Me won't." you said.

…And I believed you Sammy, I really did.

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**Thanks **for reading. **Please **review.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN:** To everyone who has been reviewing, **thankyou**, **thankyou**, **thankyou**. This is the most reviews I've ever gotten and it makes me feel great. You are all wonderful.

**AN2: **So I think this chapters a little bit lighter then most of them have been. I hope it's okay, I've got a cold at the moment and my head's a bit fuzzy. I don't know if I've done this moment justice. So I hope you all still enjoy it. Although I had the same cold yesterday and you all seemed to enjoy that chapter. So here it is.

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

I remember this one day, you were about 3.

We stopped at MacDonald's for lunch.

You were so excited, because most of the time when we stopped it was at these random diners.

I was excited too.

I loved their burgers.

You kept saying you **loved** MacDonald's.

And that you wanted a happy meal.

You must have told dad and me about 15 times before we'd even got there.

You wanted a happy meal, with a **good **toy.

We went in, got our food and sat down to eat it.

We were pretty much finished eating.

When all the other kids starting squealing happily.

Talking excitedly.

It was Ronald MacDonald handing out balloons to all the kids.

Now you hadn't ever really seen him before.

Maybe on TV…

Anyway, he came up to our table.

Your whole body went really stiff next to me.

He bent down real close to you.

"Hey there what's your name?" He asked you.

All the colour drained from your face.

You didn't answer.

"It's okay Sammy. He wont hurt you." Dad and I told you.

Good old Ronald smiled and went to hand you a balloon.

You looked at it like it was poison.

Then you screamed.

Like he was trying to kill you or something.

You were hysterical.

Kicking and carrying on.

Dad had to carry you out of there.

Still kicking and screaming.

Even when we got to the car you still wouldn't settle down.

I got in the back seat with you to try and clam you down.

I held you tightly.

You clung to me anxiously.

Crying your eyes out on my chest.

My shirt was soaking wet from your tears.

After about 20 minutes of driving, you were down to quiet sobbing.

Dad kept glancing worriedly in the rear-view mirror at us.

"Why are you so scared Sammy, he's just a clown?" I asked.

You shook your head, but didn't answer.

"He wasn't gonna hurt you, I woulda kicked his arse if he had even thought about it Sammy." I told you.

You looked up at me, eyes wide, tears still trickling down your cheeks.

"He has a weird face, and he's a stranger, don't like weird face strangers." You told me finally, "I **hate** Macdonald's." You added before burying your face in my chest again.

"Never going back there, **ever**." You said, voice muffled in my shirt.

And I haven't gotten you into a MacDonald's since.

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**Thanks **for reading. Review, pretty **please **with sugar on top.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN:** Sam's four going on five. Dean is nine.

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**I Was There…The First Time…**

I know you've heard this story before.

But it still haunts me…

The only reason this happened at all, was because this time…

…I wasn't there.

I left you alone.

Only for like an hour.

You were asleep.

Everything was locked.

I thought you'd be safe.

I didn't really know a lot about what dad was hunting.

But I did know the rules.

Stay inside.

Don't answer the phone unless it rings once first and hangs up (Dad's signal that it was him)

If something tries to bust in, shoot first ask questions later.

And the most important rule, look after **you**.

Watch out for **you**.

Keep **you **safe.

But I just needed to get out of that motel room.

Just for a little while.

Do something fun.

When I got back.

I new something was wrong.

The bedroom light was on.

I pushed the door open slowly.

My heart racing.

And there was this thing leaning over you.

Sucking away your life.

That was the first time the Shtriga tried to claim you….

I picked up the gun by the door and I pointed it at the creature.

It lifted it's head and growled.

I hesitated.

What if I missed.

It's not like shooting bottles off a fence.

What if I hit **you**.

Dad burst through the door.

Before I could debate with myself any longer.

He told me to get out of the way.

He shot at the monster.

But it leapt out the window.

Dad picked you up.

You asked what was going on.

Relief filled me, you were okay.

You seemed sleepy and confused.

Like you had no idea how close to death you had been.

Because of me.

Dad held you close.

Demanded to know what had happened.

He was angry at me for leaving you alone.

I was angry at me too.

Dad packed us up and left.

We went to Paster Jim's.

Dad didn't mention it again.

I thought he'd scream me silly.

Really, the silence was worse.

And the way he looked at me, it was different.

Like I'd lost some of his trust.

His confidence in me.

The guilt ate away at me for weeks.

This aching pit in my stomach.

Really, I don't think the guilt ever truly left me.

Just became part of me.

Something else to add to my things I've screwed up list.

But I didn't ask about it.

I didn't want to bring it up.

Didn't want to remind dad of my failure.

My failure to do my job and protect **you**.

Dad was right, it only takes one mistake.

That one mistake almost cost you your life.

Almost ripped away the one person I vowed to protect no matter what.

I swore I would always follow dad's order from then on.

Always make sure you were safe.

Always…

That I would never put my own needs before yours again.

Because that was my job…

And it always will be.

* * *

Pretty **Please **review :)


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: **Sam's five. Dean is nine.

* * *

**I Was There…The First Time…**

When you were about five, you started asking questions.

Questions, questions and more questions.

Normal kid stuff.

"What does that word say Dean?"

"What do caterpillars eat Dean?"

"How do birds fly Dean?"

Just normal stuff.

You started asking the hard questions too.

I begged you to stop asking me.

But you always had to know why.

"Dean, where does dad go?"

"He's working Sammy."

"Dean why do we have to move all the time?"

"Cos of dad's job Sammy."

"Dean, how come we don't have a mum?"

I hated to talk about her.

I tried not to think about her.

It just hurt too much.

"Cos we don't that's all!" I yelled at you one day.

I just couldn't take it.

You just kept bugging me about her.

And I didn't want to talk.

Didn't want to remember.

Didn't want to think.

I stormed out of our motel room.

I stood just behind the door.

Trying to calm down.

(There was no way I was leaving you alone again.)

A few minutes later I came back inside.

You were sitting on your bed, looking down at a picture.

It was mum, one of the few dad was able to salvage from our old house.

Tears were dripping from your cheeks.

I sat down next to you.

It was then I realised that It hurt me to remember her.

But it hurt you, cos you couldn't.

"You know she's dead Sammy." I whispered.

You looked up at me, tears still spilling from your eyes.

"But why?" You sobbed. "Everyone else has a mum. Why did she leave us?"

"Sammy, she didn't want to." I told you pulling you in for a hug.

"I m-miss her." You sobbed.

I wondered if you could miss some one you never got a chance to know.

"I do too Sammy." I said trying not to cry myself.

"I wish I could talk to her." You told me.

I took your hand and we went over to one of the windows.

I dragged a chair over for you to stand on so you could see.

The stars were glistening against the night sky.

"She's up there Sammy."

"Is she watching us?" You asked wiping your eyes.

"I hope so." I answered.

And I really did.

"Can she hear us?"

"Maybe."

"I miss you Mummy." You called out into the night.

A shooting star shot across the sky as if in an answer to you.

"It's her Dean, did you see it?" You said excitedly, bouncing up and down on the seat.

"Yeah Sammy, I saw."

"It was her, wasn't it Dean?"

"Yeah Sammy, I think so."

"She **is **watching us." You said convinced.

And I really wished that you were right.

That she was up there some where amongst the stars.

* * *

**Please **review all you lovely readers.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: **Sam is six. Dean is ten.

* * *

**I Was There…The First Time…**

When you finally started kindergarten.

You were already six.

You'd been begging to go since I had started.

Dad had been holding off, as long as he could.

You were so excited to go to school like "a big boy."

As you got older you really resented dad for holding you back that extra year.

It made you older then every one else.

But dad wasn't trying to be mean or anything, he was scared.

He was worried what could happen to you if we weren't there.

He wasn't the only one.

Your first day I was a nervous wreck.

Sure I was going to school same as you, but we'd be in a different classes.

What if something tried to get you.

Dad wouldn't be there.

I wouldn't be there.

Up until this point at least one of us had always been there.

Dad dropped us off.

I walked you to your class.

You weren't worried at all.

"Bye Dean." You said happily and walked into the class room to join the other kids.

I spent the whole morning, worried sick, the teacher kept yelling at me cos I wasn't concentrating.

(But hey I never really did any other time, I was just usually better at hiding it.)

When the bell rang for lunch I raced to your class so we could walk outside together.

We sat at a table to eat.

You probably remember.

You chatted happily about what you'd been doing.

Eating your food.

The whole time I was thinking, we've still got to get through the rest of the afternoon.

I couldn't eat (me!)

After lunch I walked you back.

I got yelled at some more.

And when the bell finally ran I raced back to your room to get you.

You continued to rattle off all the things you'd been doing, learning about colours and counting and stuff.

Then it hit me.

This is what it would be like, for the next 13 years you had left of school.

And then something else occurred to me.

It was just gonna get harder as you got older.

You'd want to be doing stuff on your own, going places on your own.

How could I protect you then…

When we got in the car, dad must have seen something on my face.

He asked me what was wrong.

I smiled "Nothing."

But I thought_ Everything_.

* * *

**AN:** My reason for having Sam start school when he was six is because in the book _John's Journal_ by Alex Irvine, John wrote that he held off starting Sam at school until he was six.

**Please** review.

I hope this chapter was ok, I've been feeling a bit blah lately.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: **100 reviews! Thankyou so much!!! *Dancing around room*. Sorry sometimes it takes a while for me to get chapters out. I'd love to be able to do nothing but right about theses boys…

**AN2:** Sam is 7 going on 8 Dean is 12.

* * *

**I Was There…The First Time…**

The first time you were kidnapped.

Yes it's happened before.

Back when you were seven.

This demon or whatever it was…

Well it tried to take you.

It pretended to be your teacher.

She told you she'd take you to this science fair you qualified for.

Dad worked out what she was after you left.

I've never seen dad drive so fast.

We caught up to you at a crossroad.

She wasn't happy.

She, it, whatever went completely nuts.

Bashed the hell out of dad.

I thought he was gonna die.

You, you were under some kind of trance.

Or spell.

You just stood, stared, not moving, not even blinking.

You looked so young, so innocent.

I searched frantically in the Impala and found dad's journal and read one of the exorcisms out.

I didn't think that I was reading it right, I hadn't exorcised anything before.

My Latin wasn't great either.

Always hated the book part of hunting.

And I was terrified.

That dad was gonna die.

That you'd be taken away from me…

But the thing stopped and started convulsing and screaming.

Dad yelled at me to get you.

I pulled us down behind the Impala.

I heard her scream.

Then silence.

You broke from your trance.

You had no idea what had happened.

What was going on, how you got there, nothing.

Dad came around and saved me from trying to explain.

Told us to stay put, that he'd be back.

He salted and burned your teacher.

She didn't make it.

And got rid of her car.

We stayed sitting on the ground together.

I started randomly telling you stuff.

Just crap that had happened through the day…

Anything, so you wouldn't ask me questions.

You didn't know the truth yet.

And I didn't want you to know…

Wanted you to be a kid.

Wasn't your responsibility to worry bout that stuff.

It was mine.

We waited.

Dad came back.

He told you that your teacher had got sick.

That you weren't going to the science fair.

You didn't believe any of it.

I could tell.

But you didn't question it.

You hadn't started that yet.

Not back then.

We packed up and left town.

When you complained.

Dad told you he had got a better job and we had to move…again.

Dad was worried, we had to go, just in case there were more of them.

He was really happy with me.

That I'd saved you both.

That I'd had the presence of mind to get his journal.

Told me I'd be a great hunter one day...

That felt good.

But I still had a flicker of fear in my heart.

That it wasn't over…

That this wouldn't be the last time evil would come for you.

And it scared me.

It still does…

But I mean it Sammy.

If it's the last thing I do…

…I'm gonna save you.

* * *

**AN3:** Idea from John's Journal.

Thanks again, for the reviews so far!

**Please** don't stop now.


	17. Chapter 17

**AN:** So sorry it's been awhile. I've been working more then usual and then went on holidays. Also I've been putting off writing this chapter. To tell you the truth I'm a bit scared, it's an important moment and I really wanted to give it justice. I hope I did good and that I haven't lost your interest. Oh and hugs and kisses and pie for everyone who reviewed my last chapter. Thankyou!!!

Sam is 8, Dean is 12...

_Italics_ are, I don't know, flash backs I guess you'd call them. Hope you can follow who's talking.

* * *

**I Was There…The First Time…**

I remember the moment you pulled dad's journal out from under your mattress…

I remember every word we said.

Because that was the exact moment you lost your innocence…

Your childhood.

And Sammy I wanted you to have that so much…

I never could, not really, but you had a chance.

Why'd you have to pry…

"_I know why you keep a gun under your pillow."_

"_No you don't, stay out of my stuff."_

"_And I know why we lay salt down every where we go."_

"_No you don't, shut up."_

Getting mad was easier then telling you the truth.

You couldn't know, you weren't suppose to know.

I was suppose to protect you from that, how could you know…

*Thud*

You dropped the journal down onto the bedside table.

*Thud*

My heart leapt into my throat in panic.

"_Where'd you get that, that's dad's, he's gonna kick your ass for reading that!"_

And mine.

"_Are monsters real?" _You looked at me with this look I can't quite describe.

Grown up and child like at the same time, I don't know.

"_What, your crazy."_

I wished you were crazy.

"_Tell me."_

Of course I gave in.

I didn't want too.

I wanted to protect your innocence.

Wanted you to be a kid, carefree (almost).

Worry and knowledge of what was out there, that was my burden to bear.

You looked at me with those puppy dog eyes your so good at.

And I didn't want to out and out lie to you.

You'd read it all any way.

"_I swear if you ever tell dad I told you any of this, I will end you."_

I didn't want him to know I'd screwed up looking after you again.

"_Promise."_

"_First thing you have to know is we have the coolest dad in the world, he's a super hero."_

To me he really was.

"_He is?"_

"_Yeah. Monsters are real, dad fights them, he's fighting them right now."_

"_But dad said the monsters under my bed weren't real." _

So innocent.

"_That's cos he already checked under there."_

He always did.

"_But yeah they're real. Almost everything's real."_

"_Is Santa real?"_

"_No." _

Sorry I told ya like that Sammy.

"_If monsters are real, then they could get us, they could get me."_

"_Dad's not gonna let em get you."_

And neither would I.

"_But what if they get him."_

Yeah right I thought.

Maybe I still had some innocence back then as well.

"_They aren't gonna get dad. Dad's like the best."_

"_I read in dad's book that they got mum."_

I didn't want you to know that.

"_It's complicated Sam."_

How was I suppose to tell you that something came into your room in the middle of the night and ripped her away from us, from you.

"_If they got mum, then they can get dad, and if they can get dad they can get us."_

You didn't need to be scared.

They weren't getting you.

Ever!

Hey, there's that childhood innocence again or maybe I was just being naive.

"_It's not like that. Okay. Dad's fine, we're fine, trust me."_

Trust me.

You used too.

"_You okay."_

"_Yeah."_

"_Dad's gonna be here for Christmas, just like he always is."_

"_I just wanna go to sleep, okay."_

"_Yeah okay."_

You were near tears, but by 8 I guess I'd rubbed off on you.

You liked to pretend you didn't want a hug or anything, but I know you did.

But God Sammy chick flick moments are just not me.

Well I don't want them to be.

And if I can get out of them I will.

But I'm sorry, I should have hugged you back then any way.

I'm sorry for all the times I should have hugged you but didn't.

Because it's not about me, it's about you, it's always been about you…

You curled up on your side.

And started to cry.

"_It'll all be better when you wake up. You'll see. Promise."_

I wish I could say that these days.

No more Apocalypse.

No more demons.

No more evil.

No more fighting.

No more hurting.

Just us.

You'll go to sleep.

And it'll all be better when you wake up.

One day it will be Sammy.

I'll fix it.

...Promise.

* * *

**AN: **Don't know if I'm happy with it or not. I rarely ever am…Any way please let me know if you liked it. Really hope you did.

**Question**, should I do a chapter for Dean stealing Sam presents and a Christmas tree/Sam giving Dean his necklace, or not? I don't really know if it fits into this story line, or I should just do it as something separate later.

Oh and Yay *jumps around room like a crazy person* season five is nearly here!!! I better get writing cos I've got lots more cover…


	18. Chapter 18

First to **helinahandcart** I tried to pm you back but it wouldn't let me. And it wouldn't let me put the site address up here for you to read. When I tried to pm you it said you had PMing disabled so if you enable it I'll send the site to you that way or if you review this chapter I'll write it to you in my reply. If your still interested.

**AN:** How quick was I with the updating this time. Yay for me. So this chapter isn't quite as emotional…I think, maybe, I like to write angst so it just kinda happens. Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last chapter * hands out more pie **and **cookies*.

I decided not to do the necklace/Christmas one as part of this story but I will do it separately or as part of another story line I've been thinking about.

* * *

Sam is 9 and Dean is 13

**I Was There…The First Time…**

The night dad gave you a .45 cos you were scared of the thing in the closet.

That was fun.

You'd remember.

We were staying in a motel room that actually had a separate bedroom away from the kitchen/living room.

You'd gone to bed before me.

I was still up watching TV.

You came out insisting that there was something in your closet.

You'd been having nightmares the last couple of nights.

But we had to be sure.

So we all went into the bedroom.

Dad checked the closet.

But there wasn't anything there.

You still looked scared.

Your face was white.

Eyes big and round.

Dad double checked.

Still nothing.

He handed you the .45.

And told you to keep it under your pillow.

Said if you seen the thing again, you knew what to do.

You nodded, hands shaking so slightly nobody but me would have notice it as you held the gun.

You put it under your pillow like dad said.

He pulled the blankets over you and went to walk out.

He asked me if I was coming or gonna hit the hay.

Told him I was tied I was gonna go to sleep.

I just didn't want to leave you in there by your self, when you were still scared.

I got ready for bed

You lay on your bed barely moving, not even breathing too heavy.

I asked if you were ok.

"Yep." You insisted.

I turned off the light and got into my bed.

We lay in the silence for a few minutes before your voice barely above a whisper floated across to me.

"Dean, what if it goes off."

"What, what ya talking about?"

"The gun, Dean what if I shoot my self."

"Sam you won't"

"Dean." You sounded so panicked.

I tuned the lamp on.

You were still laying as still as possible.

Taking really short frantic breaths.

I got up and tried to get you to clam down.

I had to force you to sit up and I took the .45 out from under your pillow.

"Sammy the safety's on, you can't shoot your self. You know that, you've used this gun before."

"Dean, I can't, what if, the thing, but then the gun could, I don't wanna…" you stuttered almost sobbing.

"Calm down Sam, it won't go off I promise."

You nodded but your breathing was still really erratic.

"I don't wanna, I'll just stay up."

"Sam no…"

"Dean please"

Puppy dog eyes.

"Move over."

"What?"

"Move over."

You did.

I got in next to you.

Put the .45 under my pillow, facing it away from you.

I was used to it.

You looked, I don't know shocked, we hadn't shared a bed unless we absolutely had to for a couple years.

I shrugged "You need your sleep."

"Thanks Dean."

"Sure Sammy. I Wouldn't get any sleep if you kept whining all night so, so this is just easier any way."

You smiled.

You slipped down under the blankets.

I turned the lamp off.

You went straight to sleep.

We stayed in that motel for five nights.

For five nights I slept in your bed with the .45 under my pillow, just in case.

You slept without any nightmares.

You felt safe.

And that's what mattered to me.

It was much easier back then.

A .45 and me right there next to you was all it took.

Wish we could go back to that…

* * *

I hope it was good. **Pretty please review **and I'll send Dean and/or Sam over to deliver your pie and cookies.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN:** Thanks as always for the reviews guys. It really makes my day when I open my inbox. Didn't really know where I was going when I started this chapter. I just kind of wrote. I used John's Journal again for the idea. Yet another chapter I'm not sure if I'm happy with…

Oh and I don't know if you guys have picked up on it but it's meant to be end of season 4 - season 5 Dean writing these letters to Sam as he thinks about the past. Should have wrote that at the start but that's what's been in my mind as I wrote all of them. Now we are in s5 it might affect some of the letters, co's it's affected by how Dean's feeling. I don't know. I actually wrote this one before episode 5.1 but wasn't quite finished so I'm just putting it up now. Dean is writing these so Sam knows how much he means to him, no matter what they have been through, no matter what either of them has said or done to each other. Even if right now Dean doesn't trust Sam, he used too. Sam hasn't got them yet though…Dean's just writing them down so no matter what Sam will know that Dean has always and will always love him. Because Dean's not one to say this stuff out loud. And because one day Dean will trust Sam again. Dean just needs Sam to know this stuff...

Sam is 10 and Dean is 14.

* * *

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Remember your tenth birthday, you had one of your first big fights with dad.

Your soccer team was playing.

But It was a Saturday and we always did some kind of shooting exercise.

We were going bow hunting.

Target shooting.

You were getting more stubborn as you got older.

Digging your heels in and refusing to budge if things weren't going your way.

You and dad, both as stubborn as each other.

So of course that led to yelling at each other.

Up until that point you'd yell.

He'd yell

And then you'd give in and go along, pouting the whole way.

Not this time though, you yelled right back.

Along the lines of - It's not fair, bow hunting sucks, it's stupid, you don't need to know it, it's my birthday, Dean tell him, I want to be normal, I hate you!

*Slam*

You stormed into the bathroom.

The only room with a lockable door.

Then dad went something like this *Bang* Sam you get out here right now *Bang, bang* Sam you don't ever speak to me like that *Bang, bang, bang* Bow hunting is important, we can't be normal, the sooner you except that the better. *Bang* Sammy get out here now! We're going bow hunting and that's all there is to it.

And on and on you guys went.

All the fights you two had over the years.

It was so hard for me, cos I could see both side.

And you both wanted me to be on your side.

Like your tenth birthday, dad was right, bow hunting is an important skill.

We needed to learn.

But…

I know when you've brought it up before, that's what I said to you.

That I agreed with dad.

But that day, I mean it was your birthday, he could have let it go, just for one day, we could have gone on Sunday.

I should have stuck up for you then Sam.

I don't know if you know this, but I did try.

Tried to reason with dad that it was your birthday, that you were just a kid and you wanted to do something fun "normal''.

Although personally I think bow hunting is fun.

Dad said he understood but the sooner you realized that we couldn't be normal the better.

So instead I begged you to unlock the door and talk to me.

You let me in.

And I promised that if you came with us, without arguing any more I'd make it up to you.

You wanted me to buy you lollies and ice cream, for us to go to the park and play soccer together and to ride shot gun in the Impala for a week.

Your lucky you got that last one Sammy.

Real lucky.

But you came out of the bathroom.

Picked up your stuff and walked out of the motel room without one more complaint.

Dad was happy.

*Slam*

But he looked a bit confused when you got in the front seat and I just got into the back of the Impala without a word.

That was the first of many, many fights you guys had.

Sometimes Sam I swear it was like I was being torn in two.

But what was I suppose to do.

I loved you both.

Wanted you both to be happy.

Even if it meant I was unhappy.

But it seemed only one of you could be happy at the same time.

I did my best trying to mediate between you two.

Dad expected me to respect him and follow his orders.

I understood that.

But you didn't, or wouldn't.

But I was suppose to look after you no matter what.

But I had to obey dad to keep you safe.

To keep as all safe.

I had so many conflicting thoughts running through my head all the time.

But when it came down to it.

I had to obey dad.

To be a good son.

I worry though.

Does that mean I was a bad brother…

Sometimes back then it was awful, but I miss those days.

The three of us.

Together.

Our family.

Everything's gotten so screwed up.

It feels like we're falling apart.

But Sammy I'd go through it all again.

And I'll keep going through it forever.

As long as your right there with me.

Even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

I need you…

Having you as a little brother makes it all worth it.

Even when we yell and fight and hurt each other.

Even with everything we've been through.

Even after everything you've done.

I'd do it all again for you…

Because you're my brother.

Sammy, your my brother.

* * *

Reviews = Love


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: **Thanks again for all the lovely reviews guys.

**Warning:** Slight spoilers for the end of episode 5.2 Good God Y'all. So if you haven't seen it and don't want it to be spoiled I'd wait to read.

**Warning2: **I nearly cried writing this, but I'm still feeling pretty emotional after watching 5.2 so that could be to blame especially since I incorporated it into the letter. Hope you like.

* * *

Sam's 11 and Dean's 15

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Your 11th birthday that was when I realised how much of a geek boy you really were.

Not saying that's a bad thing though.

Always loved that about you.

Got me out of a lot of the research.

Except for the time you were at Standford.

Your 11th birthday was when I realised because when I turned 11 I asked for my own gun.

You, you wanted a computer.

Which dad got you.

See you got what you wanted sometimes Sammy.

Remember how excited you were…

"Dean! We're getting the internet."

"That's great Sam."

Meanwhile I'm thinking the interwhat?

Yeah I've never been much for technology.

As if my hatred of Ipods and my love of cassette tapes didn't clue you in on that already.

But you, you always loved it.

But you wouldn't be Sammy if you didn't.

Right now I'm sitting here in a crummy dinner all alone Sam.

This guy at the next table has a laptop just like yours.

Made me think of you when I'm trying so hard not too.

I can't believe I had to let you go…

It's not that I wanted to really, but it's just safer.

Your right it's better if your not hunting right now.

Better for the both of us.

I can't finish this, if I'm worrying about you.

Although even now I still am.

Don't think I'll ever stop.

But at least your out of harms way.

In time we'll be able to be together again.

You'll be my little geek boy researcher again.

Even though I'm struggling to forgive you right now.

And finding it hard to trust you like I used too.

I still love you.

Even though we're apart right now, Sam I hope you know that.

I know I never tell you, but I do.

I always have and I always will.

That will never change.

* * *

**Please **review. After the last episode I need some cheering up. I hate the guys apart.


	21. Chapter 21

**AN:** Thankyou sooo much!!! for all the lovely reviews guys.

**Warning: **Could be a bit **spoilery **so read no further if you haven't seen **5.04**.

* * *

Sorry that I haven't updated in like two weeks but I was waiting for the boys to be back together. It was hard to write when they weren't. So who feels a bit happier now *Raises hand* I do.

Oh and this story isn't based on anything (John's journal etc) , just me and my imagination…

* * *

Sam is 12 and Dean is 16

**I Was There…The First Time…**

I was even there when you didn't know…

I caught moments of your life that you think are just your little secret.

Like the first time you kissed a girl.

School was out for the day.

I was waiting to pick you up.

I was standing behind a tree, so you didn't notice I was there.

You came out holding hands with this little blonde thing.

I nearly fell over.

Sam the geek had a girl at twelve.

I stayed hidden.

Wanted to see what you would do.

You looked around.

Probably checking to make sure I wasn't there.

Knew I'd tease you, I guess.

Then slowly you both leant in.

And this is how I know it was the first time.

I was close enough to see that you were shaking.

How nervous you both looked.

And the fact that you bumped noses.

It was funny to watch.

But kinda sweet…

You pulled apart, looked at each other all gooey.

She hopped on her bus.

You went and sat on a bench to wait for me.

I came up behind you like I had just arrived.

You looked so happy, so smitten, so carefree in that moment.

I decided not to tease you or even let on that I knew.

So we walked home.

A few weeks later when we left that town.

And you and dad had been at each others throats about leaving.

You told me that you had a girlfriend.

But didn't give any details.

I acted like a was surprised, no way any girls would go after the geeky brother, when the older handsomer brother was in town.

You rolled your eyes and called me a jerk.

Told me it didn't matter becasue you were the smarter brother.

Then we started to argue about who knew more about what.

Stupid stuff…

Sammy I can tell you though, I know more about you then you realise.

Because I care about you more then you can ever know.

Glad we're back together bro.

What was I thinking.

We're stronger together.

Working together...

I want to say thankyou Sam.

For keeping me human…

* * *

**Please** review.

And I know Dean is mushier in these letters then he is really but he's letting everything out. Writing everything that he feels cos he doesn't need to hold back like in life. You can just tell in his actions and reactions to thing how strongly he _feels_ things. Well I can anyway…

Thanks for reading.


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: **Thankyou sooo much!!! for all the lovely reviews guys. It makes my day!!!

Looky another chapter. Wow, this is getting tricky, You probably noticed I'm doing at least one for every year of Sam's life (though some have more) but some years are a bit tricky…This year is, but there are other ages I know exactly what I'm gonna write. I suppose I don't have to do one for every age, but now I've started that pattern I don't really want to stop.

So I hope this chapter is ok, cos it was a hard one…I just started writing and this is what I came up with.

* * *

Sam is 13, Dean is 17.

**I Was There…The First Time…**

You were thirteen when I realised how much you **really **wanted normal…

I mean I knew, how could I not when most of the arguments were about exactly that.

And some days all you did was bitch about it.

But there was this moment when I first realised how **very **important it was to you.

It was pouring outside.

We were stuck in this motel room.

Dad was gone on a hunt.

And we were watching some old stupid TV movie.

About some "perfect" little family.

You seemed really into it.

I would of preferred pulling my fingernails out one by one.

It would have been less painful.

But I had nothing else to do.

And you wouldn't let me change the channel.

I could've made you.

But hey, I'm an awesome big brother aren't I.

Any way, it got to the end of the movie and the kid was graduating from high school.

Was going to college.

His parents were so proud and happy.

And they did that bit were you have your photo taken in your graduation gown standing in-between your parents.

They were all smiling looking like they'd won a million bucks.

I tuned to you to say something sarcastic.

And I noticed you had tears sliding down your face.

I was stunned for a second.

Just stared at you.

You noticed and brushed the tears away looking embarrassed.

"Got something in my eyes." You muttered.

"Both of them?" I said, cos I didn't know what else to say.

You jumped up and raced to the bathroom and slammed the door.

I was thinking, did you cry cos you thought you could never have that.

Was it the two loving parents.

The perfect "normal" family.

Or something more…

You came out of the bathroom like twenty minutes later.

Looking at me warily, waiting for me to make fun of you.

It had stopped raining so asked if you wanted to walk to the diner down the road and get some food.

So we did.

I didn't bring what happened back up.

I told myself I didn't want to embarrass you more.

But I'm a big brother we love doing that.

I just didn't want to know what you might really be thinking.

I thought it would hurt too much to know…

Looking back now over everything that has happened, I really, really wish you could have had normal.

I wish we all could have.

Maybe one day we can make your dream come true…

I know you've given up on that Sam.

But I haven't, well I don't want to anyway.

One day Sammy, one day…

* * *

So thanks for reading, **Please** review.


	23. Chapter 23

**AN: **Thankyou sooo much!!! for all the lovely reviews guys. It makes my day!!! Your all awesome!!!

* * *

Sam is 14, Dean is 18.

**I Was There…The First Time…**

You definitely don't know about this.

Cos I never told you…

A few months after we had been at Truman High I found something in your backpack.

You and Dad had left to get some food.

I accidentally knocked over your backpack that you'd left on the table.

And a whole heap of these brochure type things fell out.

They were for colleges.

Heaps of different ones.

Like you'd been collecting them from everywhere we went.

I got this panicky sensation deep inside.

Finding these and thinking about you watching that crappy movie a year earlier and getting all girly over it.

Some things just clicked in my head.

And well, it kinda scared me…

I put the brochures back in your bag.

Pretended I'd never found them.

And tried to push them from my mind.

It was nothing to worry about.

You were just wishing that's the life you could have.

You knew you couldn't.

You were just day dreaming about college instead of girls.

Like the geeky Sammy you were.

You weren't even _thinking _about leaving hunting.

Leaving our life.

Leaving Dad.

Leaving me…

Not really.

You weren't!

It wasn't till years later that I found out that you had been planning that all along.

Plotting your escape away from us.

From hunting.

From our life.

From Dad.

From me…

But, you can't get rid of me that easy Sammy boy.

Though you have tried.

And I _have_ tried to let you.

And lately, force you.

But if there is one thing I've learnt.

One thing I know for sure.

I'll never let go…

Sammy, never.

* * *

Hope you like…**Please **Review.


	24. Chapter 24

**AN:** Thankyou sooo much!!! Again!!! For everyone who reviewed xoxoxox. It's hard to find time to write sometimes (If I had it my way that's all I'd do) with stupid real life in the way, but knowing I have people waiting makes me try harder :)

* * *

**Sam is 15, Dean is 19.**

**I Was There…The First Time…**

When you were 15 we started arguing a lot.

It's the first time I really felt a bit of distance between us.

Don't know whether it was cos you were sick of being the 'little brother'.

Cos you weren't 'little' anymore.

Or if it was your growing resentment towards our life and dad.

Looking back it was probably something to do with you wanting to go to college.

Probably all three.

Now that I think about it, it was almost as if you were trying to pull away little by little, maybe to make it easier for when you eventually left us…

I don't know, it's funny what you see in hindsight.

I mean we still got along ok most of the time, but you got in moods when you wouldn't talk or you'd blow up over nothing and I wasn't sure what to do for you.

And I hated feeling like that.

I felt like I was losing you…

And I was, but I didn't know that at the time.

Reminds me of the way I've been feeling for almost a year.

When you were hell bent on revenge.

Felt like you were slipping through my fingers.

No matter how tight I tried to hold on.

And it didn't matter what I said to you or how much I begged.

I don't even know why I'm thinking of all this other than the fact that I think I'm finally in a place where I can allow myself to think of it.

Without it tearing me apart.

Because finally I'm starting to feel a bit better.

It may be 'the end' of the world…

But it's a new beginning for **us**.

**We **started this, I had apart to play too Sam, and we're gonna finish it together.

If we go down, we're gonna go down together, swinging.

Fighting to the very end.

That's the Winchester way…

**Us** against the world.

Like hunters.

Like soldiers.

Like brothers.

* * *

Me **love **reviews.


	25. Chapter 25

**AN:** Yay me another chapter !!! Thankyou sooo much again!!! Everyone who has been reviewing…

I know it seems like Dean is telling Sam stuff he'd remember himself, not like when I was doing the baby stuff but its Dean trying to explain what he was thinking or feeling at the time or why he did or reacted the way that he did coupled with how he's feeling now (s5), so when Sam reads the letters he has a bit more of an insight of Dean…and also it's easier for you guys reading since you not in my or should I say Dean's head.

* * *

**Sam is 16, Dean is 20.**

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Remember on your 16th birthday you got you drivers licence.

I mean really you just made the fact that you could drive legal cos you'd known how to since you were nine.

You kept bugging me and bugging me to drive the Impala.

Which by that point was MY car.

Dad gave it to ME for my 18th birthday.

But YOU had to have a go of driving it now you had your licence and could actually drive it out on a road and everything.

We were meeting up with dad in some small town, he was hunting some ghost that was haunting that big factory or something remember.

We were running behind we were meant to be there by the next after noon and the rate we were going it wasn't gonna happen so I wouldn't let you drive then.

Last thing I needed was for you to get pulled over.

Although goody goody that you were you wouldn't speed and we'd have been even later.

I put my foot down and tried to block out your whining and pouting face.

Eventually we had to stop for the night.

We stopped at some no name motel.

So I could sleep for a few hours before we hit the road again.

"Dean I could dive while you sleep." You started.

Then we had a big argument, you went to bed and wouldn't talk to me.

I mean you'd had your licence like a day and you knew how to dive a car but you'd never been on your own and me being asleep was practically the same and you were tired too.

It wasn't just the Impala I was worried about you know, it was your safety.

So I felt totally justified and annoyed and went to bed, figuring that you'd calm down and I'd let you dive some of the way tomorrow since I'd more then made up for time this afternoon.

I think I'd been asleep an hour or two when I woke with a start.

I couldn't work out what had woken me.

And then I realised you weren't in your bed.

Or the bathroom.

Or any where in the room.

I pulled on some clothes and looked out the window and as I suspected MY car GONE.

Then I heard one of the worst sounds I have ever hear in my life.

Tyres screeching and a loud **bang**.

I don't even know why I though it was you, it could have been any one but I took off running.

Didn't even grab shoes.

I ran up the road and around the corner to where I heard the crash.

And-And the Impala was up on the curb, surrounded by trash cans that had been knocked flying.

I thought my legs would give out.

But I kept running.

It wasn't a bad accident.

But you were no where in sight.

You hadn't gotten out of the car.

I kept thinking please let him be okay, please let him be okay.

I opened the door and you were sitting there hands still on the wheel.

Visibly shaking.

I asked if you were okay, if you were hurt.

Your head snapped around like you hadn't noticed me until I spoke.

"Dean" you said sounding like a little boy again.

What happened, what were you thinking I practically screamed at you as I pulled you out of the car.

Honestly I wanted to take a swing, you'd scared me that much, but I'd never hit you before and you looked so scared.

I kept yelling.

You leaned against the car cringing and when I waved one of my arms around in frustration you flinched.

Like you thought I was gonna hit you.

So I made my self calm down and talk quietly.

I asked how you managed to swerve onto the gutter.

"A cat."

That was all you said before you threw your arms around me and rested your head on my shoulder and sobbed "Sorry De."

My heart squeezed, you hadn't called me that since you were really little.

We were the same height by then.

And we hadn't had any girly hugging crap since you were little either.

You hadn't wanted to sine you were like 9 or 10.

So then I was in shock.

I hugged you back for a few minutes, you were still shaking.

Finally you told me a cat had ran out in front of you and you'd been going too fast, when you swerved you ran up the gutter.

I was so mad Sam, you'd scared the hell out of me.

Why couldn't you listen, your so stubborn sometimes, had to have your own way.

But you knew you'd done wrong and how stupid you'd been.

I remember thinking how everyone in the street must be drugged up because with all the racket no one had come out of their house to look.

You insisted on picking up all the rubbish and cans and putting them back.

I checked out the Impala, it had a fairly big scratch on the side but other then that it was fine.

You looked like you were gonna be sick when I pointed it out to you.

"Dad's gonna kill me, that is if you don't do it first." You said looking worried.

I tried my hardest to remain clam, just so thankful that you were okay, told you that we could fix it and that I'd tell dad I did it.

You'd never looked more grateful.

The next day I let you dive, you were reluctant to get behind the wheel but I convinced you you'd be okay.

That I trusted you.

And you drove fine, but made me promise to watch out for cats.

And we made it to dad on time.

But boy was he pissed that **I **had scratch the car.

You felt so guilty about that for ages I could tell.

It was a stupid thing to do, but I forgave you.

You scared me and you refused to listen.

But I forgave you.

So Sam if you just give me time I will be able to forgive you completely for all the stuff that you've done.

I've started to Sammy.

It just takes the heart a long time to forgive sometimes.

I mean you not 16 anymore.

It's not really the apocalypse that I was so hurt about, it was choosing Ruby over me.

And that you wouldn't listen to me.

It seemed you didn't care how I felt.

That you didn't care about me.

Although I know in your head you were doing it all for me.

But everyday it gets easer to trust you like I used to.

I forgive a bit more everyday.

And Sam I hope you know I still care about you just as much as I ever have, maybe more.

Nothing has ever or will ever change that.

I promise.

* * *

**Please** review.


	26. Chapter 26

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews!!! Didn't really know where I was going with this chapter so I hope it's okay. Just started typing…

* * *

Sam is 17, Dean is 21.

**I Was There…The First Time…**

I started going on solo hunts after I turned 21.

Leaving you and dad alone for days at a time.

I felt so guilty doing it.

I knew you were tearing into each other.

But I just needed some space.

Just a few days here and there.

Where I didn't feel like I was being torn in two.

Remember I came back the night of your 17th.

I'd been gone about three weeks the longest I'd ever been away.

Hunt took longer then it was meant to.

And there was this girl…

There are no words to describe her.

Anyway you were asleep when I got back and dad wouldn't let me wake you.

So I didn't see you until the next morning, your birthday.

You stumbled out of the bedroom all bleary eyed.

And it was weird, I don't know how it happened.

I hadn't been gone that long.

But suddenly you didn't seem like a boy any more.

You were a man.

It's the stupidest thing, like you could suddenly change like that over night.

But you seemed older, and you had this look in your eyes.

Like somehow now you were wiser or something.

God how stupid do I sound.

But that's how it seemed.

Me and dad talked and decided that you should go on your first solo hunt.

Just something simple.

Dad had mentioned it a year earlier but I just couldn't picture you out on your own then.

Without me and dad there to back you up.

Made me feel sick.

So I talked dad out of it.

But that day, I thought I could handle it.

Yeah that **I **could handle it **not **that **you **could handle it.

I guess I had a problem with you growing up.

I guess I still do.

Wanting to take charge.

Wanting to take care of you.

I can't help it.

I'm your big brother.

And it doesn't matter.

How old you are.

**Or **how tall you are.

You'll **always **be my little brother.

Even if you are a grown man.

So sometimes it's hard for me to treat you like an equal.

I don't mean it.

And it's not because I don't love you.

It's because I do…

You grumbled and complained about the hunt dad wanted you to go on.

You wanted to study.

But you went.

Got rid of that ghost no problem.

Acted like you couldn't of cared less.

But I could tell you felt, well proud that you'd done it by yourself.

That dad thought you were capable.

That I did.

And you are Sam.

Like I've said before.

You're the second best hunter I know.

Sure you've made some mistakes…

But who hasn't.

I believe in you...

Little brother.

* * *

Reviews = Love


	27. Chapter 27

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews!!! I wanted to cry while writing this…

* * *

Sam is 18, Dean is 22.

**I Was There…The First Time…**

You dropped the bomb at 18.

The day of your 18th birthday dad told me that he was surprised you didn't take off then.

Cos you'd been fighting so much and you barely ever wanted to hunt with us.

Na I said, he won't.

He won't.

That's what I forced myself to believe.

Then a few months later.

You told us.

You were going to Stanford when you graduated.

I felt so angry Sammy.

Like you were abandoning us.

Abandoning me.

When I tried so hard to be there for you.

I was really surprised about how hard the news hit me cos I'd been suspecting it for a long time.

But like I said I didn't want to believe it.

I couldn't.

But I had to now.

Dad remained pretty calm considering.

I wanted to hit you.

To scream.

What are you thinking.

What about us.

What about me.

But I didn't.

Dad told you that you better decide cos if you went you better stay gone.

Then I could have hit him.

I mean, I didn't want to lose you completely.

If he shut that door you'd never come back.

You stormed off into the bedroom,

And dad started ranting about how we'd been to easy on you.

That we'd protected you too much.

That Winchesters don't quit.

I couldn't take it.

I stormed out.

Went to a bar.

Got completely trashed.

Slept in the Impala.

Woke up feeling empty and lost.

And alone.

And it was then I decided that I had to let you go.

If that was what would make you happy.

Even if it killed me.

I'd let you go…

* * *

**Please **review…


	28. Chapter 28

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews!!! I wanted to cry again while writing this…

I used John's journal again.

* * *

Sam is 19, Dean is 23.

**I Was There…The First Time…**

August 31st 2002.

That's the day you left.

A month and half after you graduated you were gone.

Dad told you if you left it was permanent.

And still you packed up your things and left.

Watching you walk out that door…

It tore at me like you can't even imagine.

I wish you would have known then that dad acted that way because he was scared about you being out there on your own.

We both were.

I should have told you.

I wanted to chase you down the street and beg you not to go.

But I didn't.

Writing all this down after having a few too many probably isn't he smartest.

Puts me in a gloomy place.

I cried my self to sleep that night.

In the bedroom on my own.

I felt like I was half a person.

The best part of me gone.

See defiantly shouldn't write these letters while drunk.

Waking up the nest morning to an empty room.

An empty bed.

Ripped my heart out all over again.

I missed you so much already.

Did you miss me?

Time went on and I called a couple of times.

You'd talk for a minute or two and then make some excuse to go.

You'd been gone just over a month when I just couldn't take it and I came down to see you.

We spent a little while together and the while time you looked like you were in pain.

I asked what was up and finally you said it.

Said it was too hard for you to move on with your new life if I wouldn't let you go.

And all I kept thinking is _but I did_.

But I knew what you meant.

You asked me to stay away for a while to let you have some space.

To sort everything out.

You said all this with tears and determination in your eyes.

So I gave you your space.

Just like I've tried to give you everything else you wanted or needed.

I didn't bother you for almost two years.

That was one of the hardest things I ever did.

But it was worth it if you were happy for those two years.

If you got to have 'normal'.

Dad wanted to know why I stopped calling you.

So I told him that **I'd **cut you out.

That it was too hard to see you.

He didn't seem very happy about it but he let it drop.

He thought I was angry.

And I was, but mainly it just hurt.

We both missed you so much Sam, so much.

You have no idea how good it is to roll over in the morning and see you asleep in the next bed.

It makes me feel...

Whole.

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Ok I think I will cry thinking about the poor boys...

**Please **review hope it was good, was a bit nervous about it.


	29. Chapter 29

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews!!! Just started writing this without a plan of where I was heading but here you go…

* * *

Sam is 19-20, Dean is 24.

**I Was There…The First Time…**

I guess this letter isn't really about a particular moment in your life.

Not a big milestone or anything.

Just lots of little things I noticed when I came to check on you at Standford.

Anytime I was in the area I came to see how you were doing.

Stood watching you.

Dad did too.

Wanted to make sure you were safe.

And that you were happy.

Sometimes I'd watch you walking around campus.

Talking to friends.

Just being.

Being 'normal'.

And you know sometimes I was a little jealous.

You got to experience that.

College life.

Girls.

Parties.

Look, I forgot who I was talking too.

You spent your whole time at Stanford buried in a book or at a computer.

Didn't you?

Well almost.

A lot of the time I'd find you sitting under a tree reading.

Or in the library glued to a computer.

Study, study, study.

I'd stand where you couldn't see me.

I sound like a stalker.

But I had to make sure you were ok.

And I had to be able to see you every now and then.

Otherwise I never would have made it Sam.

I just wouldn't of.

I noticed that you started drinking coffee when you went to Standford.

You never drank it before.

But now you drank cups of it.

Not just plain coffee, but all that girly stuff.

Half caf vanilla blah…

I noticed that you got a new cell phone, that of all things had a Metallica ring tone.

You hated Metallica.

It made me wonder.

Did you choose that song because of me.

Did you miss me?

Or was it just the in thing at Stanford…

One time in the library you nearly saw me.

I got distracted by the hot librarian.

And you tuned from the computer to get something out of your bag and saw me out of the corner of your eye.

You had this shocked look on your face and I heard you say "Dean."

I moved like lighting and managed to hide amongst the shelves.

You searched.

But I'm too good.

I watched you through the books.

"I'm losing my mind." I heard you whisper to your self.

I wasn't sure but you almost looked disappointed that I wasn't there.

I wanted to step out and say "Yep its me."

But I promised I'd give you space.

And I was sure you'd just be mad…

I noticed that you started talking to girls more.

You were paying a lot more attention to them then you used to.

And they were playing a lot more attention to you.

(In my opinion only because the older handsomer brother wasn't around).

On your 20th birthday I was in the area so a swung by.

You were laughing and mucking around with your friends.

I sat in the Impala watching, I was overcome with loneliness.

This gut wrenching ach.

You had them.

And I had… no one.

I had dad, but it's not the same as having buddies.

You were the only real one I had.

We were never in one place long enough to make any friends.

But I didn't care cos I had you.

You were enough.

Obviously I wasn't enough for you.

I'd broken up with Cassie a few days before.

Remember you met her, the reporter.

And it was eating me up inside.

I let her in and she threw it back in my face.

I know I don't like to talk, but you always forced everything out of me

And that eventually made me feel better.

But I didn't have you to do that any more.

And as I watched you it just twisted inside even more.

That I was alone.

And that I'd have to deal alone.

No annoying little brother to pester my problems out of me.

I know all I do is complain when you want to 'talk' but it helps.

Just knowing your there if I need to talk makes me feel better sometimes.

I want you to know how grateful I am Sam for that.

I'll never say it out loud, cos chick flick girly moments make me uncomfortable.

But I need them.

I know if I had gotten out of the car that day and told you about it you would have listened.

You might have been annoyed that I wasn't giving you 'space'.

But you would have listened.

I know that now.

Because your you.

I'm just glad I don't have to worry about that any more.

After everything over all the years, the last included.

Your by my side...

...and I don't feel lonely anymore.

* * *

I hope it's ok, **please **review…


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! Yay 30 chapters now!

* * *

Sam is 21, Dean is 25.

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Now I can't write about the first time you saw Jessica.

I wasn't there for that.

But I can write about the first time I saw her.

The day after your 21st I came to check in on you.

I'd only been down about a month ago and you weren't with her then.

So your relationship was still fairly new.

You were standing out front of one of the buildings like you were waiting on someone.

You stood a few minutes and then the doors opened and she walked out.

She was beautiful Sam.

The way the light caught her long blond hair and made it shine like a halo…

Your face lit up.

You were happier then I think I've ever seen you.

Don't like admitting it but it made my eyes sting with tears.

And I have no idea why.

And yes I've been drinking again and if you haven't guessed I'm half drunk when I write most of these, but it's easier to let things out this way.

Anyway I think they were tears of happiness for you.

I **wanted **you to be happy.

And sadness for me, because I could never have that, I tried, kinda, you just can't have that if you're a hunter.

And sadness because there was a time when you were little that **I **made you smile like that.

And that might be the gayest thing I've ever wrote, but it wasn't so long ago that I was your whole world.

But bit by bit that changed.

You've always been my whole world Sam.

From the second you were born and Mum put you in my arms.

I was hooked.

But if Jessica made you smile like that, like she was the only one.

Then I was happy.

I just hoped she would look after you.

That she cared for you as much as you obviously did for her.

The way she melted into your arms.

The way you held her.

The way you kissed, made me think she did.

Really wish I could have got to know her Sam, from what I saw of her and what you've told me she sounded wonderful.

I'd do anything to change what happened.

I've been kicking my self ever since about dragging you away from her.

I'll never forgive myself for that.

I mean yellows eyes probably would have done something any way if not that day then another.

But I'll always feel guilt because of it.

I really wish you could have had your normal apple pie life.

I know I gave you hell about it.

And I was mad that you left me and dad.

But if it meant you were safe and happy.

And that you hadn't had to go through all you have…

And all there is still to go.

Then I'd take it all back.

Everything I ever said about you leaving…

I'd want you to marry Jessica.

Became a lawyer.

Have the white picket fence.

Sometimes I feel like I took it from you.

And I know you don't dream about it anymore.

But I do…

* * *

*Waiting nervously for reviews* Hope it's okay guys, I know there are a fair few of you reading now so I hope I'm keeping it up to your expectations…


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! This will be a longish one cos Yay I'm up to the pilot. As you would know: Sam is 22, Dean is 26.

* * *

**I Was There…The First Time…**

The night I came for you at Standford…

It was the first time I'd seen you without hiding in a really long time.

It was the first time we'd talked in a really long time.

It was the first time we had any physical contact in a really long time.

You want to know why I broke in in the middle of the night.

Because that way you had to see me.

You had to hear me.

I was afraid if I knocked on the door you wouldn't.

And I couldn't take it any longer man.

Dad was missing and I truly was alone.

I hate being alone.

2 years apart was 2 years too long…

I needed you back.

Back hunting.

Back with me.

I wanted the three of us to be a family again.

That night was the first time I met Jessica and saw inside your home.

It stung to see how much of a life you'd built without me.

It hurt Sam, that you didn't need me the way I needed you.

I was mad that you ran off to have your "apple pie life".

Because it didn't include me.

I liked our life and I liked being a hunter.

I couldn't understand why you wanted more.

When I'd tried so hard to give you everything.

And I felt a little jealous of all you had in your new life, and of all who had you.

The whole time you were away at school I felt like part of me was missing.

Then dad disappeared and I felt like nothing.

Just a shell, everything, everyone who was important to me was gone.

So I decide enough was enough.

I was getting my brother back.

Sure I could have searched for dad alone.

I didn't really need your help with that part.

I just…needed you.

I was so happy to find out that you hadn't forgotten everything you knew about hunting.

And you could still put up a good fight.

That night was the first time I found out that you wanted to be a lawyer.

You know when you told me about your law school interview I didn't know what to feel.

Sadness that you were delving more deeply into you new life.

So obviously you weren't planning on coming back anytime soon.

Slightly angry that you'd still want to go when dad was missing.

And proud, my little brother was going to go to law school, was smart enough to go to law school.

In any other family that would have been something great…

You know once you were back sitting beside me in the Impala.

It was like you'd never left.

It just felt so…

So right.

During those first few days it was great.

You were being all Sammy like, it was the first time I'd heard you complain about the credit card scams in a really long time.

It was the first time you'd complained about me calling you Sammy in a really long time.

And the first time you'd complained about my music in a really long time.

It felt good.

It was our first hunt together in a really long time.

It was the first time we'd argued like brothers in a really long time.

It was the first time I had my geek boy back to help with the research in a really long time.

You know I kept talking like you had all the time in the world to search for dad during those first few days cos I wanted you to stay with me.

I didn't forget about your interview.

But I wanted you to.

Wanted you to stay with me.

Wanted you to want to kill whatever it was that took mum from us.

I used to get so mad when you talked about dad like what he was doing, like hunting wasn't important, and when you brought mum up, especially like you didn't care what happened…

I mean I knew you did.

But Back then during our first few days looking for dad I was trying to hang onto the hope that you would come back to hunting.

But revenge wasn't going to bring back a mother you never knew.

I thought it was our responsibility to hunt that son of a bitch down.

That we owed it to mum.

And dad.

And us...

It was the first time you drove the Impala in a really long time.

And then you crashed her through a house!

It was also the first time you'd almost given me a heart attack because I thought you might be hurt, in a really long time.

And it was the first time I saved your ass in a really long time.

It was the first case we'd solved together in a really long time.

It felt good to be a team again.

It hurt to hear that you still wanted to go back for your interview, although I knew it was coming.

It killed to dive off and leave you back in Palo Alto.

I was thinking about turning straight back around even before I noticed that my watch had stopped at the time I'd dropped you off and my radio started to go all static.

I tore back as fast as I could and kicked the door in.

I knew something was wrong.

I could feel it.

I heard you screaming.

No, Jess!

I had one of the worst senses of dread.

I stopped at your bedroom door.

The room was on fire.

Jess was burning on the ceiling.

And you were in the middle of it.

It takes a lot to scare me, but that did.

So for the second time I pulled you from a fire.

With you fighting me the whole way.

I was so shocked that it had happened again

Exactly 22 years later.

I didn't know why.

I didn't know what to do.

Except that I had to take care of you.

I didn't know what to say.

Or how to act.

Then you spoke for the first time since I'd dragged you out "We got work to do" you said as you slammed the trunk shut and got into the Impala.

I remember thinking.

I had my brother back.

But what it had cost you.

The pain you were in.

It wasn't worth me getting what I wanted.

I didn't want it that way Sammy.

I'd rather be alone forever.

And I'd do it if it meant we could turn back time.

I'd do anything for you.

If wish I could I'd take all your pain Sam.

So you wouldn't have to feel any.

Wish some how I could.

Cos really your pain is what I feel the strongest.

Worst then anything that's ever happened to me.

Worse then hell even.

I wish your life was what you'd dreamt it would be.

I'd do anything to make you happy.

I really would.

I'd give anything.

And though you have hurt me.

And I have hurt you.

When it comes down to it.

Your happiness…

Is what I live for.

* * *

I **LOVE** reviews.

Next chapter I'm going to do the night of the end of the pilot. Hmmm does that make sense. I'll try again. I'm going to do Sam's first night with out Jess (how he reacted after her death after he and Dean drive away in the Impala). Sound good???


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: **Looky, looky another chapter so quick *dances around room*. Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! You guys rock!

* * *

Between Pilot and Wendigo

**I Was There…The First Time…**

The night Jessica died…

I'd never seen you so quiet.

So broken.

So sad.

It tore at my heart in more ways then you will ever know Sammy.

I didn't know what to do for you.

There was no way to make it better.

We drove in silence.

You were huddled against the passenger side door.

You'd shut down.

I tried to think of something supportive and comforting to say.

But emotions never were my strong point.

And the words died on my lips as soon as my eyes settle on you.

My broken baby brother huddled against the door, like you just wanted to disappear.

Your eyes were glassy with tears, jaw tight like you were trying so hard not to cry.

You could have Sam.

I wouldn't have said anything.

I mean if there ever was a reason to cry the that was one of them.

I said something about getting away from Palo Alto.

And for the first time you spoke since you'd got into the car.

"No." one word in the most strained broken voice, like if you said any more you'd fall to pieces.

I didn't have the heart to argue.

Or ask why.

So the next motel I saw I pulled in and got us a room.

When I got back to the car you hadn't moved a muscle.

You followed me into our room like a zombie.

You began raking through your bag of stuff we'd managed to save.

I asked if you wanted to talk about it.

Hoping to God you didn't because what was I gonna say.

You shook your head.

Then mumbled something about taking a shower and walked to the bathroom without looking back at me.

You were in there for over half an hour.

And I knew it was because you'd finally let your self break down.

I felt sick knowing you were in there all by yourself.

But you wanted your space.

So I let you have it.

I'm no good at the emotional crap anyway.

When you finally came out your eyes were all puffy and red.

You didn't say anything, just got into your bed and rolled away from me.

I put my hand on your shoulder trying to think of something to say that would help.

A tear rolled down your cheek.

You squeezed your eyes shut and buried your head in the pillow and moved out of my touch.

I felt so helpless Sammy.

I'd failed you…again.

When I came out of the shower you had the blankets pulled over your head.

Wrapped tightly like you were in a cocoon or something.

I didn't know wether you were asleep or not so I let you be.

Got in my bed.

I couldn't sleep.

Every time I shut my eyes I saw Jessica burning on the ceiling.

I saw you on the bed screaming for her.

Or I imagined mum surrounded by flames stuck to the ceiling in the same way.

I remembered dad putting you as a screaming baby in my arms and telling me to get out.

To get you out.

Then I heard soft sobbing noises coming from your side of the room.

It broke my heart Sam.

I lay there for a few minutes listening.

I couldn't stand that you were in so much pain.

I couldn't leave you over there on your own.

So I got into your bed.

Something I hadn't done since you were a kid.

I put my hand on your shoulder and tried for the millionth time to think of the right thing to say.

But you spoke instead "Why Dean?"

The sadness in your voice cut through me like a knife.

"Why'd it have to take her, hurt her, she was so beautiful inside and out, she was, she was."

You started sobbing so hard your whole body was shaking.

I tired to clam you down, you were shaking uncontrollably.

I said all I could think of "Sam, calm down please, we'll find what ever did this and we'll make it pay."

I rubbed your arm trying to comfort you but you continued to sob.

Suddenly you spun around in the bed and threw yourself into my arms.

I was stunned.

I hadn't held you like this for a very long time.

It was a very chick flicky moment and it took me a few seconds to get over my initial shock.

But your comfort was more important then mine, especially at that moment so I wrapped my arms around you tightly.

Finally a good fifteen minutes later at least you calmed down and fell asleep from what I guessed to be pure emotional exhaustion.

I didn't move though.

I stayed on my back propped up on the head board with you asleep on my chest, holding you close.

And it didn't feel too weird.

It kinda felt good to have you so close.

And if it was what you needed then I'd give it to you.

I felt so guilty Sam.

Felt like it was all my fault for taking you away from her.

I remember thinking if I hadn't you'd of been at home with her right then.

Instead of sobbing yourself to sleep in some motel room.

That was the last thing I thought of before I fell to asleep too.

The next morning we got up as though it hadn't happened.

That you hadn't slept in my arms all night.

Neither of us brought it up.

And we haven't since.

Until now, I guess.

As you know we stayed in Palo Alto looking around, trying to figure out what happened.

But found nada.

So we took of to Blackwater Ridge, Colorado.

To find dad, to figure out what had taken Jessica from you and why.

I vowed I would find what had done this to you.

And make it pay.

First our mother…

Then your girlfriend.

This thing was gonna die.

Nobody hurts my family and gets away with it.

It was under the worst circumstances.

But finally you were back by my side.

Where I could take care of you.

I could do my job.

No matter how old you are Sam.

That will always be my job.

I hope you know there is only one person I would go to the end of the earth for Sam.

And that person is you…

* * *

So **please **review and tell me what you think.

I'm so excited for the next episode. And a bit anxious. I just can't wait.


	33. Chapter 33

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! You guys are awesome!

* * *

Wendigo…

**I Was There…The First Time…**

I was thinking back, over 5 years ago now.

After Jessica died…

Your nightmares began, or so I thought.

We started our search for dad and Jessica's killer, mums killer.

I was worried about you.

(But that's my job).

How could I not be.

You just watched your girlfriend die.

And what could I do to help.

Nothing really.

Made me feel useless.

So I offered to let you drive my baby for the first time ever according to you.

Hell maybe it was.

Just anything to get your mind off it.

Off what happened.

Then Black WaterRidge, Colorado.

You were different, but who could blame you.

You were like a powder keg man.

Shoot first ask questions later.

You were broken.

And I was determined to put you back together.

You weren't ok.

Neither was I.

Dad was missing, and I was terrified we'd never find him.

You were hurting and I couldn't help you.

We couldn't go charging off without thinking.

Dad wanted us to do a job.

And it wasn't just that I was a good solider and wanted to do what was asked.

I mean it was, but also you needed to go slow, to calm down.

So I called the shots.

Like I have most of your life, I guess.

I gave you one of my best big brother speeches…

…Saving people, hunting things, the family business.

You just wanted to find dad, find what took Jessica from you.

(I did too).

I guess it's why I still try to do it now, call all the shots.

Because there have been so many times in your life you needed me to.

I can't help it, I don't mean to make you feel inferior or like the baby.

But Sammy to me you will always be the baby I pulled from a fire.

The baby dad told me I must look after.

My baby…

I really am turning into a woman in my old age man.

But I want you to know all this.

You just have to.

You know I was so glad you were there, that you had my back when that nasty son of a bitch nabbed me.

I would have been Wendigo chow otherwise.

It was nice knowing you were there.

You have saved me from a lot of situations too Sam.

I am grateful for that.

I remember trying so hard do reassure you that we'd find dad.

Even when I didn't believe it myself sometimes.

Just because that's what big brothers do.

I didn't even mind letting you drive…

Anything to make you happy.

Anything…

* * *

Ok short and sweet I hope. Don't really know if I was in my writing groove today but wanted to get another chapter up.

Review, Pretty Please with Cherry Pie on top.


	34. Chapter 34

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! You guys are awesome, over 200 reviews!

* * *

Dead in the Water…

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Lake Manitoc, Wisconsin.

That little boy Lucas.

He got to me.

He was a little boy that had lost a parent too, and it wasn't a normal death, it was caused by the Supernatural.

I related to him.

I guess these letters are not just important parts of your life, firsts in your life, but mine too.

Your life is my life and visa versa, I hope…

Talking to that kid in his room about mum.

I knew you could hear me.

Part of me wished you couldn't, and part of me was glad you could.

I wanted to be able to talk about it Sammy.

To let you in.

But I couldn't, it hurt to much.

But talking to Lucas, well it made it different, I was helping him, it was for him, not me.

Admitting that I get scared is not easy for me.

But I do, more then you would ever know.

And most of that fear revolves around losing you, again.

I can't do it again Sammy…

What I told Lucas is still true, she's the reason I'm brave.

Our Mother.

Even as a little boy I knew that's what she'd want.

I had to be brave and look after you.

So really the reason I do what I do, that I can be brave is you.

After mum died, I barely spoke, even to dad.

But I'd talk to you.

But of course you couldn't answer me.

But that didn't matter.

Just knowing I had you there.

Made me feel a little better.

You'd babble and goo and smile back at me.

Like you were trying to make me feel better.

You said back then at Lake Manitoc that I'd never told you that stuff about mum before.

But I had…

You just couldn't remember.

That day we saved Lucas, but couldn't save Bill Carlton and the others.

"We can't save everybody."

That's what you said to me.

I think It was one of the first times you ever said that to me.

Or at least the first time since you'd left for school.

It was nice having you there to reassure me like you had when you were a baby.

Just having you by my side is reassuring.

Makes me feel like I could do nearly anything.

Even Ice Lucifer.

As long as I have you…

My Sammy.

Anything is possible.

* * *

Just a short one again. **Please** review.


	35. Chapter 35

**AN:** Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!!

I'm starting to wish I had named this story something different now. There are so many moments I want to write about but there not really first times…maybe they are, don't know, so here it goes anyway…

**Warning: **Slight **spoiler** for the last episode 5.09 'The Real Ghost Busters'. **Very **slight at the end. So if you haven't seen it be careful and the line might not make sense to you.

* * *

Phantom Traveller…

**I Was There…The First Time…**

You weren't sleeping.

And when you did you were being startled awake by nightmares.

I tried to brush off my concern for you.

Saying things like it's your job to keep my ass alive.

And it was true I was relying on you.

I needed you to have my back.

But I was concerned.

It had been years since you had nightmares.

That I knew about anyway.

I hated that you were scared and hurting.

You told me it wasn't just the nightmares of Jess.

That it was everything, our job, it all kept you up at night.

You asked whether it bothered me.

And no it didn't, not really, not then.

If you asked me that same question now, the answer would be different.

I have lost everything I have ever cared about in one way or another.

Have been twisted and tormented and broken so many times I've lost count.

And so have you.

But we are still here together, at least that's something.

(Or everything)

I've been to Hell.

We brought on the Apocalypse.

If let it, I could drown in all the pain and anguish.

But you're the one keeping me afloat.

Even after everything…

But I wish things could be as simple as they seemed back then, black and white.

Good and Bad.

Right and Wrong…

It's hard now, sometimes those lines just blur, so you don't know who or what your fighting for…

Things used to be easier.

It was weird when you found out, that me Dean Winchester, your big brother was afraid of flying.

I never wanted you to know that, for you to see that chink in my amour.

Back then I really felt invincible.

It took a lot to worry me.

You and Dad were the only ones capable of bringing on fear.

The thought of losing you.

But flying…makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

You seemed so surprised.

It was odd having you be the comforter.

Acting like you were older.

Which is so annoying, by the way.

You were so clam, cos it didn't bother you at all.

But we made it through.

And I don't think I would have.

Actually I'm certain I wouldn't have if you weren't there to lean on.

Together we saved the day.

Simple, easy.

Black and white.

Then we heard Dad's message for the first time, and it hurt.

That he was around, telling people to call me if they needed help.

But he had just abandoned me with out a word…

I wasn't sure what you were feeling.

Hurt, angry, scared.

The same as me I guess.

He was around…and we had no idea where.

Or why he had just slipped of the radar.

If I hadn't had you with me Sammy.

I don't know what I would of done.

You made it easier to hold it together…

Really I guess it's not so hard to know who or what I'm fighting for.

I guess the answer is simple really.

It's what I've been fighting for, for the last 26 years…

It's what gives me strength to go on in the toughest times.

It's what I've always known, but it took a couple of "fans" to make me see it clearly.

It's what makes me the luckiest person on earth.

It's you.

My brother.

Who has always tried, whether misguided or not to do everything he could for me.

To protect me…

So just in case you didn't know Sammy.

My reason for fighting…

Has always been and will always be

…You.

* * *

So I hope the fact that I kind of flick between Dean writing about the past and present isn't too confusing. It makes sense to me, but hey I'm writing it and I've watched these episodes that many times I know the details backwards and forwards and inside out…

**Please **review. I **love **feedback.


	36. Chapter 36

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!!

Very little **spoiler** (meaning small amount of info about it in letter but if you don't know then it's gonna be a BIG shock) for 5.10...It was hard to write straight after that ep. I needed sometime to compose myself and so did Dean, Dean definitely did.

* * *

Bloody Mary…

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Nightmares, every night, scratch that, every time you shut your eyes and drifted off you were plagued by nightmares.

It was getting to the point where I actually wanted to talk about it with you.

Wanted you to tell me what was up and have a chick flick kinda moment.

Cos I knew whatever you were holding onto was eating you up inside.

And it wasn't good for you.

Mentally, physically…

It was destroying you.

We were hunting, Bloody Mary.

And she went after people who had a secret where somebody died.

And that's how I found out.

That you had a secret…

Something you weren't telling me.

Something that made you think that it was your fault.

It was horrible to think that you were living with all that guilt and you wouldn't tell me, you wouldn't let me in.

I'm your big brother Sam I'm always here to help bear any burden you are carrying.

Anything that's bugging you…

I'm here for you.

I hope you know that.

Because more then anything Sam, I need you to be okay.

I can't function when your unhappy or hurt, not really.

I push through.

Because that's what I was taught to do.

But it's, it's hard.

Using yourself as bait for her Sammy.

God that was the last thing I wanted.

When I saw you bleeding from your eyes.

I could feel my heart in my throat.

But you were okay.

So I was okay.

You were right (like annoyingly your are most of the time) we needed to summon her.

But above everything.

You had to be okay.

You wanting to be bait.

I knew it was about Jess.

I hope you believed me when I said it wasn't your fault.

I don't really know how you feel about it now.

You never really mention her any more.

And I don't ask, because I don't want to open old wounds.

I'm sure it still hurts you.

But you've put it somewhere inside where you can move through life and not crumple broken to the floor.

That's what I do any way...

I hope you blame yellow eyes.

He did it.

He took her…

Or Lucifer.

He's the reason why any of this happened.

Or even, blame me.

I made you come with me and leave Jessica alone.

But Sam please don't blame you.

None of this is your fault.

What you told that girl Charlie.

You should try to forgive yourself.

No matter what you did you probably couldn't have stoped it.

Sometimes bad things just happen.

That is good advise.

Maybe we both need to remember that…

No matter what we did, what we do we can't change what has happened.

You didn't ask to be infected with yellow eyes blood, you were just a baby.

I'm scared that you think because of that, because he was after you that it's your fault that Jess and mum are gone.

But **Please** Sam don't.

Blame the demons.

Blame the angels.

They did this to us.

They're the reason we have lost nearly everybody we care about.

Mum, dad, Jess, Ash, Trevor, Caleb, Paster Jim…

And now we can add Ellen and Jo to that list.

All gone because they were close to us.

All we've got left is Bobby and Cas.

And each other.

We need to work together man.

Your right, we are strongest when we are together.

We are each other's biggest weakness and greatest strength.

So even though it hurts just to move sometimes.

And the blows just keep coming.

With all that has happened all that we have been through.

With all that's yet to come.

We will push on, cos that's what we were raised to do.

We will keep going.

We won't give in.

Fighting to the end.

We can't let them win.

We need to do it for them.

For every soldier we have lost in battle.

For the loved ones that are gone.

Just keep being my strength Sammy.

And I'll be yours.

You just need to keep being…

…because I need you.

More then words can ever express.

I need you.

* * *

Okay so what do you guys think? Reviews to me are like pie is to Dean. So don't forget them.


	37. Chapter 37

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!!

* * *

Skin…

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Friends.

Relationships.

Contact with normal people.

You tried so hard to hold onto them.

I told you that with a job like ours you can't get close to people.

You didn't want to believe it…

…But I know now you do.

I've heard you say it your self.

Me and dad tried to dive it into all the time.

But I guess the years of hunting full time, finally wore you down.

You learnt what I always knew.

If you get close too people there is a big chance that they will get hurt.

That's why I was happy with just you and dad.

You two were my world.

I didn't need any one else.

It wasn't worth the risk.

Or the pain.

And I've slipped a few times.

Let my self really feel…

Loving you and dad was dangerous enough.

Even knowing what you both knew, look what happened to both of you.

Knowledge doesn't stop bad things.

But it helps.

You had to help your friends, I get that…

So we did, drove to St Louis.

To lie to your friends, so we could save them.

Lies, seems like all we do is lie.

To the 'civilians'.

Because if to many of them knew… it would be chaos.

It's hard when you can't let people know the real you…

We lie to each other.

And we have to stop that.

I admit it, I have lied to you before.

I was just trying to protect you.

I guess that's why you lied to me.

You didn't think I'd understand.

But I hope now we are both in a better place.

And that we are both moving beyond that.

We have bigger fish to fry.

Much bigger.

It would be nice if you could have just been Joe college, Hell it would have been if I could have too.

Hooking up with all the hot chicks.

Biggest worry being a mid term.

Dreams…

Instead we are soldiers in a war that's not even ours.

Running from angels who want to take control off us.

So we can't even call our bodies our own.

Like I said back then we are just a couple of freaks.

But I'm still right there with you the whole way, Sammy, the whole way...

* * *

Now I haven't wrote about the things shapeshifter Dean said to Sam about everyone leaving him and all the other stuff he said because Dean was unconscious or wasn't there when it was said. I think that is best left to Sam's letters that I will eventually get to…

**Please **review!


	38. Chapter 38

**AN:** Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! Dean is writing not long after the events of 5.10...

* * *

**Hook Man…**

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Back in Iowa…

It was kinda cool to you know 'live' the college life.

Just for a couple of days.

Frat house.

Hot chicks!

Big libraries, okay so they're not so cool.

But you get my point.

But we did our usual routine blew into town saved the girl and hit the road.

Lori, she was the first girl I saw you make a connection with.

It was nice to see you moving on just a little.

Now I didn't know her.

I never got the chance, but I'm sure Jessica would have wanted you to be happy.

I wanted you to be happy…

You know I really think I would have had a great time in college.

Pledges.

Parties.

More girls…

Sorority girls!

I've never told you this but while you were away at school, I used to dream what it would have been like if I could have gone to.

I never craved normal like you, but every now and then it would hit be like a ton of bricks.

How much easier life would be.

I had dreams to you know.

But I had a responsibility to you and Dad.

I couldn't take off.

I couldn't…

Being the oldest…

It's hard some times Sammy.

But I didn't mind being the one left with dad if you got to be happy.

Even though it ripped me to shreds inside.

I didn't mind…I didn't want to mind.

I think college could have been so awesome.

Fun.

Free…

I know I tend to ramble when I write these.

I just write what comes into my head.

Sometimes I'm really not sure why I'm writing them.

I just need to get it out.

And I could never say half of this to your face.

Like I was saying it was so good to see that little spark between you and Lori, however small it was.

I could see you fighting it though.

I wasn't sure if you felt guilty because it hadn't been that long sense Jess or whether you were scared.

Maybe a bit of both.

I would have been scared to.

Hell why don't I just admit it, it's not like you wouldn't have picked up on it by now.

I am scared of having any real connections.

I tried it once with a person outside you and dad…

Cassie.

I let myself open up as much as I could.

And…

And my fear has only gotten worse.

But I think I'm justified in feeling this way.

Even if I'm not, I can't help it.

I'm terrified to get close to anyone.

Because everyone who EVER said I'll be there…

They left.

They left me.

In one way or another.

Even you.

So now I'm on my 8th or 9th beer.

You're asleep on Bobby's couch.

The sight of you there peaceful and safe.

You'll never know how much comfort that brings me Sammy.

I'm having a very down moment at the moment.

I felt alright when I started writing, but now as I get drunker and keep going over sad things…

I fall into a hole of darkness Sam.

Thinking…

About Jo and Ellen.

About dad.

About… everything.

Sometimes I feel okay.

Or as okay as I can be.

And I can manage to function.

And then there are the times when I wanna lay down and never get up…

Stay in my dark pit of despair.

But then I remind myself of why I need to keep going, to push on.

You lying so peaceful right now reminds me of that.

You look so young when your asleep.

Reminds me of when you were a little kid and there was no question of you needing me.

That's my reason for getting up.

Pushing on

Because you might need me.

Knowing you're here.

It's what keeps me going in these dark times.

What pulls me out of the darkness into the light.

So I'm begging you Sam.

Don't leave me again.

No matter what, please.

I can't do it again.

…I just can't.

Sammy, please don't leave me.

* * *

Ok is it silly if I make myself want to cry…

**Please** review

Oh and I was thinking of doing a chapter in between Hook Man and Bugs where Sam is sick. Because things would have happened to the boys that we didn't see. So I know I'm making it harder for myself really (I have sooo many chapters to do as is) but I have an idea.

So does that sound good!


	39. Chapter 39

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!!

* * *

In-between Hook Man…and bugs

**I Was There…The First Time…**

You were quiet as we left Iowa.

At first I thought you were just lost in your own thoughts.

I wasn't sure where we were heading to next.

I stoped to get gas.

You didn't say much.

I was just gonna drive until I got to tired.

Then we were either gonna stop for the night or it would be your turn to drive.

We'd been on the road for about two hours and you'd still barley said a word.

Except for a few mumbled answers when we'd first left the gas station, before I gave up talking and put my music on.

You were scrunched down in your seat.

Head resting, turned towards the window.

I thought to myself it was the longest you'd ever been completely quiet (no huffing or sighing or anything) in your whole life…

Finally I had to ask it you were alright.

And you didn't answer.

As far as I knew you weren't pissed at me, I leant forward in my seat and then I realised you were asleep.

Well that explained the quietness.

I just continued to drive, and drive and drive.

And you just continued to sleep.

I ended up driving so far we were in the middle of no where…no towns so no motel.

But I didn't have the heart to wake you and make you drive so I just kept going till we got to the next town.

If it wasn't for the steady rise and fall of your chest I would have thought you were dead.

I kept watching for it just to make sure.

Silly, I guess but it wasn't like you to sleep for that long.

I just guessed that you'd been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster with Lori and everything.

And it had left you feeling drained.

Just when I thought I'd have to pull over for the night we got to the next town.

I put my hand on your shoulder to wake you and that's when I felt the heat radiating from you.

You being completely zonked out of it made sense then.

You were sick.

I felt your forehead it was hot and sweaty.

I berated my self for not paying closer attention when you were sitting right next to me.

My hand on your forehead woke you.

Your eyes were glassy.

You asked what time it was and why I had let you sleep so long.

You voice was croaky and hoarse.

I got us a room.

You followed me in a daze.

You had the flu, bad.

And it took over you so quick.

I mean you were fine back in Iowa.

Well as far as I knew.

And now you had a fever and were disoriented.

I told you to go take a shower.

You just grabbed your stuff and did it.

No whining about me telling you what to do.

You came out of the bathroom and got straight into bed.

I asked if you were hungry.

You shook your head.

I knew I had to make sure you had enough fluids and I hadn't eaten in ages.

We had nothing with us so I went to the shop and back as quick as I could.

I didn't want to leave you.

It was the first time you had been sick sense we were back together.

When I got back you were dozing and your breathing was tight and wheezy.

I'd brought cold and flew tablets and I woke you to take them.

I made you drink some water.

And you just did as you were told.

Like you were a little boy again.

It made me ache to see you so vulnerable and needy…

Just like when you were little.

You complained that everything hurt.

That you didn't feel well.

And there wasn't really anything I could do for you except give you medicine and liquid.

You wouldn't eat.

I tried to eat but suddenly I wasn't so hungry anymore either.

You fell in and out of sleep.

You'd wake screaming or crying.

Begging me not to leave you.

You ask for dad and Jess.

You'd scream for me when I was right there beside you.

Like you couldn't see me and I had to actually shake you to make you snap out of it.

This went on for three days.

And I bet you don't remember any of it really.

You were so out of it.

Coughing and sneezing.

Shivering and sweating.

It honestly was getting to the point when I was gonna take you to see a doctor.

But you fever finally broke on the morning of the forth day.

I was exhausted never getting more then an hours sleep either because you'd wake.

Or I'd wake just to make sure you were ok.

I ended up sleeping on the bed next to you.

Just because any time I was more then a few inches away you'd be crying or yelling.

Half of what you were mumbling about I couldn't make out.

Every time you woke up I'd have to rub your back until you fell asleep like I did when you were little.

The morning of the forth day…

I was actually asleep, but I don't think I'd been asleep long.

I felt you move and you were propped up on your elbow looking at me.

Your eyes weren't glassy anymore they were focused.

You had colour back in your skin.

The first thing you said to me was "Why are we sleeping in the same bed?"

"You were sick."

"Okay… I was?"

You'd been out of it for 3 days and you didn't remember it.

I didn't really elaborate to much just told you you'd had a fever and that I was planning to take you to the doctor that day if you weren't any better.

You were pretty much back to your usual self then.

I didn't want to tell you about how much you screamed, how much you cried.

How you'd cling to be like your life depended on it and beg me to forgive you for leaving, for going to school.

How at one point you wouldn't go to sleep until I'd promised that I loved you…

You used to do that when you were little too.

If you were sick or cranky.

You wouldn't sleep until dad and I had told you that we loved you.

Your such a girl sometimes.

...Just kidding.

It reminds me of this book.

There was this story you liked to have read to you.

Before you went to bed and especially when you were sick

It was the first book I learnt how to read.

It was about 2 rabbits or hares or something.

I think they were father and son although it never says, but you used to like to say they were brothers.

Like me and you.

Anyway you probably remember all through the story they are trying to tell each other how much they love each other.

I love you all the way to the top of that tree or something like that.

And both would find bigger and further away things to uses.

At the end the little hare says I love you all the way to the moon.

In his mind that is the furthest thing away.

And then he falls asleep.

And the bigger hare whispers I love you all the way to the moon… and back.

You thought that was so good.

And when you were sick or scared that's what you'd say to me.

"All the way to the moon."

And the you'd wait for me to say "And back."

You grew out of it eventually.

It's odd how my mind works.

Cos right now I'm sitting outside.

And the moon is really big tonight.

And really now that I look at it, it's not far enough away.

If I were writing that story about us.

I'd say further then the moon,

Further…

…and all the way back again.

That's how much…

And even then, it's not enough to explaine...

...How much I love you.

* * *

So what do you think. I think by the time Dean's finished these letters he'd have drunk all the beer in the world…

**Please** Review


	40. Chapter 40

**AN: **Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!!

* * *

Bugs...

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Back in Oasis Plains…

The killer bugs.

I hope you know I only let you go down the hole because I was sure there was nothing dangerous down there.

"Don't drop me."

Like I'd ever do that…

Well, maybe just to scare you a little.

I remember that 'perfect' little housing development.

"There's nothing wrong with normal." You told me.

"I'd take our family over normal any day…" I remember saying that and I meant it.

Deep down I craved normal too, just a little.

But not like you did, not then.

Normal, safe, it would be so good right now Sam.

But it's not who I am.

Who we are.

We are hunters.

We save people.

We make a difference.

And I would take that over normal even now.

How may families are still whole…

…Because ours was broken so long ago.

That's what we are fighting for Sam.

Now more then ever…

I tell myself that everyday.

We are fighting for them.

We are fighting for each other.

You know I don't think I ever really knew the extent of your resentment and feeling towards dad.

I mean I knew, but it wasn't until our time in Oklahoma that I realised how much you were still holding onto it all.

He tried to do his best by us.

I really believe he did.

He was hard on us because he had to be,

It was the only way he knew how to keep us safe.

You thought he was harder on you.

That I was his favourite…or something.

But Sam I'm sure if dad did have a favourite it was you.

And he had to come down hard Sam.

Especially as you got older, he was trying to keep you safe.

But you wanted to live your life the way you wanted.

You've always been your own person Sam.

And I admire that about you, I do.

That you were strong enough to go out on your own…

Without us.

I never was.

But that's okay.

It was my job.

Dad NEVER thought you were a freak Sammy…for wanting normal.

He was normal once too.

He just wanted to keep his little boy safe.

He did it the only way he knew how.

Orders, yelling and rules.

It really hurt hearing you talk to that kid Matt.

Saying College was a way to get AWAY from your family, away from US.

I had thought it was your way to get closer to normal.

And the separation from us came form that.

I can see why you thought dad wasn't proud.

Hey, it's not like he ever told either of us much.

But he was so proud of you.

I know he wished things could have been different for the both of us.

Like I said he was just so scared of what could happen to you out on your own.

Granted tossing you out wasn't the best way to show it.

I think he thought that you'd come back or wouldn't leave in the first place after hearing that and then he could continue to keep you protected.

Like I've said and wrote before we both kept an eye on you.

We had to know you were safe.

Not sure why he couldn't tell you all that.

Why he didn't say it instead of telling you not to come back.

He was stubborn, your stubborn so there was just no compromise.

I know now that you see dad was doing the best he could.

And for that I'm grateful.

I mean maybe he wasn't always right.

I know that.

But everybody makes mistakes.

We can only do our best.

It's all anybody can do.

And as long as there is still air in my lungs.

Blood pumping through my veins…

Still a world to call home

I will continue to do my best for you.

I've failed so many times.

But I swear I'll never stop trying.

...Never.

* * *

**Please** review...


	41. Chapter 41

AN:

Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! Sorry it's taken me so long with this chapter. Very busy time of year. But now I hope to get really into it. I have a few weeks off!

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Home…

**I Was There…The First Time…**

Going home…

I never wanted to go back there.

Never.

I liked to be able to block all that out of my mind.

If I didn't think about it.

It couldn't hurt me.

But you had a vison so we had to go.

That was the first time I found out about your dreams being visions.

That you dreamt about her death before it happened.

And that now you were dreaming about our house.

Where Mom died…

It was so weird and eerie being back there.

In the house where I spent the first four years of my life.

And they were happy years.

I wish you had those few years too.

Before it all went to Hell.

Being in that house…

I could see Mom at the stove cooking breakfast.

Dad at the table reading the paper.

You in your crib babbling away.

Me playing on the floor with my toys.

It was so hard to keep my head with all these random, broken memories flashing into my mind.

Of how it was…

How it used to be.

And how it could never be like that again.

It terrified me about your visions even then.

You'll never know how much.

Because I didn't know what it meant.

Or why you were having them.

Or what I could do to help.

You know it's funny…

Not haha funny, but funny that you never knew.

That I carried you from the house.

With all the stories we told you.

You never heard that.

From 4 years old I knew I had to protect you.

That that would be my life's work from then on.

I know I'm probably repeating my self a lot in these letters or what ever they are, but a bottle of Jack will do that too you.

I know I ramble.

Just need to let it out somehow.

I hated being back in Kansas.

Reliving it all…

I think dad had the theory about yellow eyes or at least a demon long before we knew anything about it.

Long before.

Why he decide then to protect us from some info I don't know.

It was definitely not just any other job.

I tried so hard to keep it together.

I called dad you know, begging for help.

I try so hard to do stuff on my own, to carry the weight.

But sometimes I need help too.

I don't always know what to do.

It hurt to give in and ask for help…

…And then dad didn't come.

Hearing his old friends talk just made it hurt worse.

How he loved us…how he was.

Because I remember that.

I mean, I know he never stopped.

He just kind of stopped showing it.

He trained us.

So we would grow up and be able to protect our selves and others.

And that's why we had to protect this family.

So they wouldn't suffer like ours.

The whole damn house made the hairs on my neck stick up.

It was like de ja vue…

And not at the same time.

I could see the house how it was when it was our home.

And it wasn't that anymore.

The whole damn job screwed with my head so much.

And that freaking poltergeist.

I Hate them.

Seeing her, her spirit, the face I hadn't seen it 22 years.

Hearing her say my name.

In the voice I hadn't heard in 22 years…

At the moment I'm drunk enough to admit it.

I miss my mom.

Our mom.

I want her back so, so much.

What was it like for you Sammy?

To see her then.

When you only knew her by the pictures we had.

Her apologising to you had me baffled for the longest time.

But now we know…

And honestly I wish I didn't.

She destroyed her self to save us.

And again, we didn't get to say goodbye…

Those pictures Jenny found of ours.

I found them thrown in the trunk when I was looking for stuff earlier.

I'm looking at them right now.

It's what made me start to think.

…And drink.

All of us happy and alive.

It feels like a life time ago that it were true.

When we drove off and left Missouri waving to us.

I knew I'd never go back.

Not by choice.

That day I felt like I had my game face on the whole time.

When I was dying inside.

Lately it feels like that too.

For the few years definitely.

I was reading this add in a magazine.

Something about depression or whatever.

But it had this line that has just been stuck in my head.

Smiling on the outside…

…Drowning on the inside.

That's what I feel like all the time Sammy.

And you're the only thing keeping me afloat.

* * *

So what do you think. Let me know **Please**. I hope it's ok it's like 12.30 pm right now so I'm a bit tired.

There are so many nice brotherly moments in this episode…

Oh and I know John does come when Dean calls but I don't think he knows that. Because he just goes to see Missouri.


	42. Chapter 42

**AN:** Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!! Sorry it's taken me so long with this chapter again! And even with being on holidays I am hopeless sorry guys!

* * *

Asylum…

**I Was There…The First Time…**

We searched for Dad for so long.

Finding nothing.

Hearing nothing.

And then out of the blue we get a text message.

And that message filled me with hope.

Because it meant that he was still alive.

Out there, some where.

Even if he didn't come when we called.

He was okay.

It filled you with anger.

Because it meant that he was still alive.

Out there, somewhere.

And he DIDN'T come when we called.

He was ignoring us.

The whole job at Roosevelt Asylum I knew you were pissed.

That Dad gave an order.

That I made you follow it.

That I always follow his orders.

I just wanted to make him happy and proud.

I knew I was making you mad at me.

And that gnawed at my insides.

I was always walking a fine line between your feelings.

And Dads.

It was so hard to balance on that line Sammy...

You know there is one thing I think we both need to stop.

Letting our feelings build inside us till we explode.

On our own.

Or because something Supernatural makes us.

I've been trying to do that man.

And that's why I am writing…

To let it out.

Before I start swinging.

Man arguments about Dad.

Gees, how many arguments started or were centred around him.

And really it's only because we both loved him.

I wanted to do what he asked of me.

And you wanted to find him.

We both did.

You were right about deserving to know answers.

I wanted them too.

I was willing to wait for Dad to tell me in his own time.

If at all.

You like a bull in a China shop wanted to go barging in.

Drag answers out.

And then worry later what you had broken in the process.

Even when you hadn't meant for it to happen.

Funny cos if it had been anyone else other then Dad I would have done the same thing.

You follow orders because they keep you safe.

That's what Dad told me, that's what I had learnt first hand on many occasions.

He drilled the same thing into you, I did too, but it never seemed to stick.

I wonder now, was it because if you screwed up I was there to save you.

To have your back.

To fix it.

I don't know maybe Dad and I didn't do right by you.

Because we were always there to save your ass.

But you know what.

I don't think I care.

After all it's my job.

No matter what you do Sam.

I'm always here to help you.

To save you.

And I'll do my best to help you fix any mistakes.

Even the Apocalypse.

And hey that was my fault too.

Thinking about back then.

It reminded me.

When you went to see Ellicott's son.

The psychiatrist.

What did you talk about?

You said just the hospital and what had happened.

But It wasn't was it?

It was about me…

I never really realised how many issues you had with me, until Dr Ellicott messed with your head.

I knew something was up the minute I found you in the basement.

And then when you got so angry, I knew my suspicions were right.

All that pent-up anger…

Just flowed out.

You asked me about Dad.

About being so desperate for his approval.

And yes…I was.

I wanted his approval so much.

It hurt.

And you were right again about you having a mind of your own.

Your always have.

Because your stronger then me Sammy.

When it comes to love and approval anyway.

You don't need justification to do what you want.

You aren't scared that you will loose the love of the people you love the most.

Well that's how it seems to me sometimes anyway.

If you want something bad enough you go, you do.

If it makes you happy.

Me I can only do what makes others happy even if it kills me.

I know you were possessed…but when you pulled the trigger on my gun.

Thankfully my empty gun.

It hurt.

Because I had made you angry enough to want to pull the trigger.

But I guess in was magnified by the possession.

From anger into rage.

And all the anger you had inside you was because of me.

I had failed again.

I'm sorry I boss you around so much.

You say that's one of the reason you ran around with...

With…Ruby.

I guess because you were in charge then.

You could call the shots?

I can't help it Sam, I was always used to be in charge of you.

Keeping you safe.

Your younger.

I'm older.

And that's the way it always was.

I really am working on treating you more like an equal.

I don't boss you around and throw out orders like Dad cos I think you less then me.

Or anything like that,

I just want to keep you safe little brother.

That's all…

* * *

Okay tell me what you think please. Been it kind of a writing rut so I hope this chapter doesn't reflect that. Seems to me Like it needed more but just can't seem to get it any better.


	43. Chapter 43

**AN: **Ok sorry I have been MIA. But I had lost my Mojo. I think it's back so I am gonna write! Yay! Don't be too loud though you might scare my mojo off!

So one reason I have been stuck is the task of writing these letters, then getting to Sam's letters is that the episodes come out faster then I can go and I'm only in s1. The plan was to do all from Dean and then go back for Sam. But something occurred to me so this is the way we are rolling now. Hope everyone enjoys! The start may confuse you but you'll understand soon enough!

**Spoilers: Set not long after 5.13 The Song Remains The Same**… (even though I lost my mojo again half way through writing this chapter and we have now seen 5.14 My Bloody Valentine) Told you my mojo scares easy lol

* * *

**I Was There…The First Time…**

"I'm going to get some food, you hungry?" Dean asked Sam as he stood from where he had been situated on the bed.

Sam glanced up from his computer screen looking frustrated "What…No thanks."

"What's with the sour puss?" Dean asked shrugging into his jacket and gathering up his wallet and keys from the table.

"Laptop keeps freezing" Sam huffed, "I'm trying to research about that story we heard those kids talking about earlier, the ghost at the old cemetery, the missing people. It's, argh." Sam slammed his laptop closed.

"Gees man don't have a hissy fit" Dean said as he picked his own laptop up handing it to Sam, "Here."

Sam took it and a small smile crossed his lips "Thanks."

Sam opened the laptop up and turned it on. He still felt frustrated as hell. _Dean had his own laptop now but his was screwed. And it was Dean's fault. All the times Dean gotten it frozen on Busty Asian beauties had left Trojan after Trojan and virus's that Sam could never seem to get rid of completely. And then Dean had his nice new one that ran perfectly. Didn't he look at porn on his own computer!_

"Sam, hello" Dean waved his hand in font of Sam's face.

Sam had been lost in his own thought and hadn't heard Dean speak.

"Yeah…huh?" Sam said shaking his head.

"I said, is something else bugging you?" Dean said looking hard at his brother.

"No." Sam said sounding madder then he meant.

_Everything. Mom, Dad, Lucifer, Michael, You…Me._

"Yeah sure." Dean said in a sarcastic tone.

"Weren't you getting food." Sam said sounding even more frustrated.

"Gees man what crawled up your skirt." Dean said turning to leave.

"You and your porn" Sam whispered.

"Say again" Dean said turning back around. "Me…and what. What I do?" Dean said sounding defensive.

Sam wasn't sure why he was mad. Lately it would just build up inside him. He was angry that his laptop wouldn't work but he didn't want to fight with Dean, he'd hurt him enough already. But before he cold stop the words were out of his mouth.

"You wrecked my computer with PORN!" Sam all but yelled, "Yours works and mine is screwed!"

Dean would have laughed it sounded so funny, except for the tone in his brothers voice, the look on his brothers face. Dean's expression flickered from his trademark smirk to shock and then for the briefest of moments hurt before he got it back in control, letting his game face settle back across his features. "I-I haven't even used yours in ages, Dude calm down it's just a computer."

"Like the Impala is just a car?" Sam said heatedly.

Dean started to feel the slightest tinge of anger start to build insdie him. He took a deep breath. He didn't want to fight. Not with Sam. He just didn't. Not anymore, not again. Dean's mind filled with images. _Anna jamming that rusty pipe or whatever through his little brother, Sam crumpling to the floor…_

"Look man, I'm starving I'm gonna get some food and check out that bar down the street, **alone**. You have my computer, keep it, Ill have yours I don't care." And with That Dean left and shutting the door softly behind him.

Sam sat staring at the door. Looking at his brothers computer. Wondering why that even happened. Why did he do this. He tried to justify it in his head. _Well Dean did screw mine up, I'm not totally in the wrong_. Sam started randomly clicking the start menu key, flashing the menu up and down. Just thinking about how screwed up everything was. About what had happened when Cas had taken them back. About everything that had happened. About how the last thing he wanted to do was research. He couldn't focus on a damn thing except the image of his mother and father young and beautiful, alive and happy.

Sam began running the mouse over the buttons on the start menu. Something caught his eye as he ran it over the recent document button. He went back and held the mouse there.

_Sammy_ the word document was called. Sam screwed up his face in confusion. _What is Dean writing about me. Dean uses his computer for something other then porn and the occasional research that I don't get stuck with? _Sam thought bitterly. Sam looked at the door. And at the file. He shouldn't he knew he shouldn't that it was Dean's file and that he'd be pissed if Dean read stuff on his computer without asking. Sam stood and leant against the counter. Stared at the computer. Sam bit his bottom lip. _He couldn't…but Dean didn't have to know, He'd just have a quick look. Just one to satisfy he's curiosity._ Sam sat back down and hovered the mouse over the button. Sam clicked. He felt so nervous he wasn't sure why. _Most likely because I am reading something that I shouldn't. _Sam thought to himself. Sam began to read…

_An hour after you were born, I held you… _

Sam sat for hours. Glancing nervously at the door, waiting to be busted. Tears leaking from his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was reading, it was about him, pages and pages and pages of letters to _him, _about him, for him. From _Dean_, by Dean. Sam felt sick, he felt nervous, he felt scared, he felt _Loved_, he felt terrible. Some of what he had put Dean through. Its not as though he didn't know most of it. But he never knew how Dean really felt most of the time, Dean kept his game face in check… Sam couldn't believe the things Dean remembered about him, his first word, when he took his first step…everything. There was so much Dean knew that Sam never realised. So much Dean felt that Sam never knew. And it was stupid because Sam knew Dean loved him, he knew it. _You don't go to hell for someone you don't _but having it all written here right in front of him, it broke his heart. Dean wondering if Sam knew how much he cared. Dean terrified that he'd failed as a brother… Dean, angry at him, scared for him, loving him, protecting him, remembering him, missing him, knowing him…

As Sam finished the last letter tears were pouring down his face and he couldn't stop it… Dean had written the last letter a few days before they had gone back with Cas.

_I just want to keep you safe little brother._

_That's all…_

Sam tried to get himself under control, hoping like hell that Dean wouldn't choose this moment to come back. Sam felt even worse for getting so angry about a stupid computer. Dean had given more for him then anybody should ever for another. He'd gieven his life. Been to hell and this was how Sam treated him... Sam started to sob uncontrollably. Dean hadn't written anything in a few days… Sam wanted to know more. Wanted to tell Dean so much, tell him that he was sorry, that he was the best brother anyone could ask for. That he was more then Sam deserved, that he'd do anything for him, that he loved him… Finally Sam got himself under control and turned the lap top off. He shut Dean's computer softly and put it to the side. Sam picked his own computer back up turned it on, and with shaky hands began typing.

_Dean…_

Sam started. Then he sat for a few minutes just staring at the screen. _Dean, how to I put into words, how do I start… _Sam stood, he sat and then finally he began with this…

__

There's one sad truth in life I've found  
While journeying east and west -  
The only folks we really wound  
Are those we love the best.  
We flatter those we scarcely know,  
We please the fleeting guest,  
And deal full many a thoughtless blow  
To those who love us best.  
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

_Ok so yeah your gonna laugh and call me who knows what for starting of with a poem, but I don't know how to start or what to say…_

* * *

Ok so pleeeeeeeease tell me what ya think! I am very tired writing after work so I hope it makes sense. I hope you like where I am going. AND I am not done with Dean writing his letters either. Just wanted to start the Sam ones…


	44. Chapter 44

**AN:** Still has **Spoilers: Set not long after 5.13 The Song Remains The Same**… this follow directly on from where we left off last time.

Just so you know guys its not a very long one this time…

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(Sam)

**I Was There…The First Time…**

There's one sad truth in life I've found

While journeying east and west -

The only folks we really wound

Are those we love the best.

We flatter those we scarcely know,

We please the fleeting guest,

And deal full many a thoughtless blow

To those who love us best.

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Ok so yeah your going to laugh and call me who knows what for starting of with a poem, but I don't know how to start or what to say…

I read that in a beginning of a book not so long ago and it has been stuck in my head ever since.

Because it is so true.

And it seems to summarise what I am feeling and how I act most of the time.

Even when I don't mean to.

And I don't know why I do it.

I don't know what to say to you right now.

I really don't.

Not because I don't have anything to say.

But because there is SO much to say.

That I need you to know.

Dean, you are the best brother in the world.

More then anyone could ever ask for.

More then I deserve…

I found your letters and I can't believe how much you remember about me.

How much you know.

How many times you were there and I didn't even realise.

How much I have hurt you, way more then I ever knew.

How much I really mean to you…

And more importantly how you **don't **realise how important you **are **to me.

Because you are, you are!

You always have been.

Always.

Even though I don't always show it.

Your are.

You're the one constant in my life.

Even while I was away at Stanford.

Inside I knew if I had really needed you, you would have come.

So when you…when you went to hell.

It was like I died too.

I know I made so many mistakes while you were gone.

But I wanted you back.

I didn't care about anything without you...

I needed you back.

And I was going to anything to accomplish that.

Or die trying.

And after you came back, I couldn't stop.

I had to get revenge on Lilith.

I had to stop her ending the world…

I had to make her pay for what she did to you.

What you'd been through.

No one can hurt you like that and get away with it…

…Except me apparently.

I mean like earlier when I got angry about a stupid laptop.

What's wrong with me?

Ok I am rambling and I'm not sure I have a starting point for writing these back to you.

You've just always been there.

Maybe I take that for granted.

I think I'm still in shock.

I just heard the Impala so I am going now.

I'm not ready for you to see my letters or to tell you I found yours.

But I will write because I need to make you see how much you mean to me…

I need to say sorry.

I need to say thankyou.

I need to say…

I Love you De.

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Ok very short I know, I have more ideas already for the next few letters. Its short with not a lot of detail, but Sam did just stumble upon Dean's letters so he is a bit lost for words right now.

**AN:** oh and if you have forgotten Sam's first word was De (short for Dean) just thought I'd mention it because if you have forgotten then you might think I left the 'an' of Dean's name accidentally.


	45. Chapter 45

**AN**: To all my readers/Or the ones I have left at least. Sorry for being MIA for so long. I'm hoping I can get back into the swing of this story now. I have been asked several times to keep going (most recently by Deanloves : D ) so I will try. It's not that I don't want to write it. Just got kinda stuck.

**AN2: **I'm going to try to start back where I left off. Still setting the boys in s5, even though they talk about things in other seasons, and s7 has now started. I hope I don't confuse you guys by doing this. When I first started the story we were in s5 so that why the boys are there in these letters (and will be until I get to 6 & 7) & I know with the start of Dean's letters, they were always talking about things in episode order (except with pre-show moments) but I'm not sure if this will remain the same for Sam or not. Any way, here we go. And I hope I still have some readers left.

* * *

**Set after 5.14 My Bloody Valintine**

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**Sam**

You give me strength Dean,

You always have and you always will. I re-read all your letters & you write so much about trying to look after me, trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe. And Dean you have. You have. I know you don't believe it. Because you have it in your head that nothing you do is good enough.

BUT you were always there for me, even when I wasn't for you. You always put me first, when I couldn't do the same for you.

You gave your life, your love, your everything.

For me.

You did your best for me always, even as a child. No matter what it was, even if it meant you missed out, or got in trouble. You'd do anything for me, and I know that. I'd do anything for you. I hope YOU know that. I have a pretty crapy way of showing that, don't I?

Back to my point. I was thinking about this after detoxing from the demon blood _again_.

My point is, you have given me one of the most important things a person needs, especially living the life we do. Strength.

You gave me the strength to use my demon blood induced powers to take down Famine, instead of devouring every demon in sight. When my desire for it was so strong. You wouldn't believe, how strong. But I wanted to be stronger for you more.

You gave me the strength to keep going after Jess... If you weren't there... I just don't know what I would have done.

There's so many occasions, that if I sat here & wrote them all down, I'd never stop. I just wish it hadn't taken the Apocalypse for me to realize all of this fully.

I know we can stop the apocalypse. I know we can. I can make this right. You gave me strength. You gave me everything. And it's time to return the favor.

I have an idea, how to fix this. To stop Lucifer. And I know your not going to like it. And I'm terrified to even mention it. Because it means, your going to have to let me go...

Which I know you won't want to do. But it will be okay.

I can do it, I can do it to save you. You have to let me. Let me make up for the pain I've caused you. For all that's happened. To save everyone. And then you can have a life, the one that you missed out on. The one you missed out on because of me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to do this. I don't want to leave you. And if we find another way, I wont.

But in case I do. It's okay Dean. Really it is...

...Because it was my turn to save you.

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Ok so there you have it. It is short, I know and it may not be the best thing I ever wrote, so sorry. Please let me know what you think.


	46. Chapter 46

**I was there...the first time...**

_**(Sam)**_

You make me feel safe Dean...

Not just in a physical danger way, but deep down inside. Even with the world falling down around us right now.

Which I guess you won't want to believe, with all the times I have left you...

You know my earliest memories are of you. There is this one time that has always stuck in my mind. The memory is clear, but a lot of the details are hazy and broken. Except you, climbing up onto my bed to comfort me...wherever we were. Because I was upset.

I was about 4, I think. Dad had been in a horrible mood all day. And I guess he had been drinking because I remember the smell of beer and bourbon. I remember that it seemed like he had been yelling and mad at me all day. I'm not sure what I even did. Something about being too loud while I was playing, I think. I mean there was probably more to it. That it was just the last straw, but Dad completley lost it. I remember being completely terrified off him, the way he loomed over me, the way he screamed. The way his eyes looked.

I remember running to the bedroom we shared and curling up on my bed and crying becasue I was...so scared and confused. I remember not understanding why he had gotten so angry. It didn't make sence in my mind then. Now I can see that he had most likely gotten back from a bad hunt and hit the booze.

I remember feeling so alone and scared, then I felt you climb up onto the bed and pull me close. I don't remember where you were before this, but you were there right when I needed you. Like always. Just your presence made me feel so much better...safe.

You told me Dad didn't mean it. That he wasn't feeling himself and that he'd had a bad day. You held me even after I'd stopped crying. Rubbing gentle circles on my back. Dad came in when he had calmed down and hugged me. Told me he was sorry...but I've never forgotten it. It really sucks that one of my first memories is of Dad yelling. But I don't think that's why it's always stuck in my mind...well not the whole reason. I think it's more the fact of how **you** were there to comfort me. That all it took was you presence to make me feel better. I knew you'd always be there for me Dean.

I'm sorry I haven't always been there for you...

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**AN: **Short I know, but let me know what ya think, please.


	47. Chapter 47

**AN: **Hope everyone remembers that they boys are still back in s5 in these letters. This is Set after 5.15 Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid...

Mentions things from 1.11 Scarecrow

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**(Sam)**

**I was there...the first time...**

I'm getting scared Dean...Bobby. I feel like he's breaking too. I feel like everything is breaking apart. Well I guess technically it is. It's the damn apocalypse after all. I'm such an idiot. I lay in bed at night and think. WHY? Why did I trust her. Why did I let this happen. Why didn't I listen to you. Sometimes I think it's to do with being the younger brother. I just wanted to be the right one. The one that could fix things. And no matter what it takes. I will fix it. I will.

I feel like all I do is screw things up.

Or run away. Or hurt you.

Why do I run... I was thinking back to that case we had in Burkitsville, Indiana years ago. You mentioned some of our old cases in your letters and it got me thinking. The one Dad had us go on, looking for the young couples who were disappearing. It turned out to be the Pagon God in the ugly ass Scarecrow costume.

Why did I storm off then...well I know why. You wouldn't do what I wanted. You were going to do what Dad said. Find out what was happening to those people. Help those people. And all I wanted was to find Dad. Find out what killed Jess. You called me a selfish bastard...even though I don't think you meant it, sometimes I think you were right. My mind can get so focussed on things. And I don't think straight. I wanted to kill whatever had taken Jess from me. Revenge. That's all I could see, until I realised that you were willing to let me go...even if it hurt you. And it meant you'd be alone, again. No one to watch your back. I couldn't live if something happened to you that I could have prevented. So I came back.

It's never been as easy as it seems to walk away from my family. As easy as you might think it is for me. Even going to Standford was hard, even when I wanted it so bad. You said I always know what I want and I go for it. That you admire that about me. I guess I do. But that doesn't mean it's not ripping my insides apart to leave you behind. Like I said back then I knew I wasn't going to stop trying to get revenge for Jess and mom. But Jess and mom were gone. It was just me and you. And now Dad's gone too. This whole damn world is falling apart, but I know I'll be okay. Because I still have you.

You know what I admire about you. How you manage to put the ones you love first nearly every time. I really wish I'd done that more often. Although at the same time you scare the hell out of me with the exact same quality, taking it too far. You have to put **you **first sometimes Dean. You **matter **too. You don't have to keep sacrificing yourself. Putting everyone elses pain and problems on your shoulders. YOU MATTER TOO. You're important too! I know you think that you're not. But you matter to me. You're important to me.

A lot of what drove me to do what I did, to be how I was. Why I went after Lilith like I did, was because you weren't there. My whole life you were there. (And **don't **you dare blame yourself. Understand). I just felt like I was missing a big gaping part of myself. And I was the reason you were gone. Like I said earlier I couldn't live if anything happened to you that I could have prevented. Honestly I don't think I'd be much better if something happened that had nothing to do with me. But I promised I'd get you out of the deal, that we'd find a way to save you and I didn't. That time without you, knowing where you were destroyed me. It changed me.

With all this now. Ruby. Freeing Lucifer... I was so focused on revenge. Again. Killing Lilith... stopping the end of the world. Wanting to make her pay for what you went through in Hell. That made me so damn angry. Angrier then I'd ever been. And you know how mad I can get about things. You were hurting. And she was going to pay.

I didn't think you were thinking straight, with all you'd been through. I thought Ruby would help us. I didn't to start with. It took a lot for me to trust her. But when you were gone Dean. I just felt so broken. All I wanted was to fix things this time. And...well she was a way to do that. I knew I was hurting you. But I thought in the long run it would be okay. Because once I defeated Lilith, you'd realise why I did it. That I was right. That I was doing it for you. For the world. Turned out great didn't it?

It's not that I trusted her more then you...it was, I don't even know. She was a means to an end I guess. And nothing we had was going to take Lilith down.

I'm sorry it seemed as if I chose a demon over you. More sorry than you will ever know.

You're my brother Dean. My family. No matter what stupid thing I end up doing next. I choose you.

...I always choose you.

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**AN: **I know Sam seems pretty down on himself in these letters. But after what happened I think he would be. Poor Sammy. He never meant for it all to happen. How was he to know Killing Lilith was a bad thing.


End file.
